"Those who are the hardest to love are the ones who need it most"

I came across this quote a few weeks ago and it immediately made me think of my Mom. I haven't spoken to her in about a year and half. So I've been staring at it every time I look at my "Drafts" folder when I come over to blog to post something or another. Thinking about what it means and how I feel about it.

There are times when I'm immensely happy that I don't have contact with her and there are times when I regret it more than just about anything.

My mom and I have had a complicated relationship, as most relationships are, I imagine. Most families are "dysfunctional" in one way or another...

It comes down to a conflict of, really, two ideas that I can't really find a way to harmonize.

The first, and the reason I'm at where I am now with it, is the idea that you really need to cut yourself off from those people who are negative and toxic influences in your life.

People who are overwhelmingly negative, cynical, judgmental, hurtful and mean spirited... there is just no reason to keep trying to fit those people in your life. I mean, eventually, and this is how I felt, that constant negative and hurtful harping and picking just eats away at your soul. You end up feeling small and worthless. And there's no reason to force yourself to keep undergoing that and feeling that way.

The most common refrain is, "But, you know, it's family... you have to put up with it."

But you don't.

There are consequences, sure. But the ties of blood can be looked at as chance, fate and happenstance... and there's no reason to put yourself in a position where someone will continue to make the effort to belittle you and make you feel bad about yourself.

And make no mistake, my mom can be an amazingly hurtful and negative person. Both of my brothers and I have had periods of estrangement from her... this is my second, actually... where there's no communication with her. And one of the reasons I haven't made overtures to reconcile, like I have in the past and both my brothers did, is that I'd swear she sees the overtures as a sort of validation that her behavior was okay. It seems as if she saves her anger and hurtfulness for family. You always hurt the ones you love? Maybe.

But at the same time I know, I mean I absolutely know, that a lot of her issues, for lack of a better word, comes from a place of insecurity... and the second idea, which I can't resolve with the first, is the headline of the post - the idea that the people who are the hardest to love need it most. That seems true. I know my mom does need it.

And then I feel small and guilty and tiny minded that I'm not able to be a good enough person to be the kind of person who can do that.

I don't not love her, if that makes any sense. I do love her. I wish nothing but good things for her. But I just can't take being around her on anything like a regular basis. And I can't stand the idea that for those times that I was around her, or would need to be around her, that I'd need to mentally prepare myself for however long I'd be there that it would be emotionally strenuous and painful.

I've tried dealing with her with a lighter touch, orienting myself to her more positive aspects, laughing off her comments and insinuations, but I've never been able to keep it up. That's probably my failing, but at the same time, my god, why on earth should I have to be on guard to constantly do that?

I truly love and appreciate the things she's done for me, in raising me and all the sacrifices that parenthood demands and entails.

I just don't think that should give somebody a blank check to act in a mean spirited way.

I do love her. But right now it just has to be from a distance.