Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Monday, October 03, 2011
Where I've Been/Back to the Internets.
Am back to the world of the internets after a brief hiatus where I, at best, sporadically played voyeur at a distance to the goings on in the world. For those two people on the internet who read this who don't know me IRL [in real life] - my dad died a couple weeks ago.
[Absurd, ridiculous, rant-y aside - I've always disliked, but actually now despise and hate with an unholy and vehement passion the absurd phrase "passed" or "passed away." I hate weak, soft, euphemistic language. I understand you are maybe trying to be considerate, or kind, or polite... but, you know, fuck you. He died. Just say it. Trying to soften the language devalues the experience. Thank you, George Carlin.]
Have passed through a great deal of the standard "phases" of grief folks postulate about, the 'experts' who speak of such things, the sadness, the tears, the anger, the day of too much alcohol - whiskey is a stage of grief, right? - and now, the catharsis of unleashing my thoughts out into the void.
Nothing like a death of someone you love to take your long standing ideas of the existential crisis and the meaning of life and see if you really seem to think what you seem to think. And chalk it up to my stubborn belief, like everyone else in the world, of experience only confirming that which you already want to think, but it seems to hold true.
I struggled to find some degree of solace in the things that "normal" people seem to find solace in, to no avail. Religion remains a goofy fairy tale subscribed to by folks desperate to cling to an idea that someone, somewhere has some idea what's going on - the belief that we get as kids, somehow that at least the adults know better, even if we don't. The vain hope that death isn't 'really' real and everybody's in a better place and we all join in one happy-fun-time-super-party that never ends, amen... it's just so ludicrous. The idea that folks still buy this, as we get older and become adults ourselves, continues to floor me. There is no bearded invisible father figure in the sky watching us all, with a grand plan, overly concerned with our sex lives... That's such a ridiculous bronze-aged thought process of a small Middle Eastern tribe, beset on all sides by enemies... interesting as far as historical myths and metaphors go, perhaps with as much to teach, but deserving of no more fealty than, say, Aesop's Fables or the Greek Myths. Like I tend to say when I'm feeling particularly smug, or properly sauced, or am talking to someone I think might be of a like mind - "I don't know if there is a god, but I know your god isn't real."
That doesn't change my "maybe, better odds than not" that something transcends what we consider life and reality. Something 'transcendent' - to repeat myself - a different level of reality or something that not only don't we understand, but that we can't understand. I tend to fall back on the idea of the brain as a tuner, not a generator of consciousness - I think that comes from Aldous Huxley, but could be someone else and I could be wrong [Heavens forbid!] That the brain doesn't create consciousness or understanding, but instead, like a radio tuner, simply dials into, by default, what is the consensus reality of human experience. Which is why things like yoga, meditation, NLP, magic and psychedelics fascinate me, the idea that these things allow you to turn the dial, so to speak, and tune into something that's not just chemicals fucking with your brain, but taking you into something else that's really there, we just can't see. [Hence, the psychedelic "trip." Trip to where is the obvious question...] Ah, my hopeful delusions have simply found another outlet. Curses to my Catholic upbringing... Brainwashing runs deep, it does...
One of the things raised, between the time my dad died and the time I could get back stateside was the question of whether they should cremate the body, or wait till I could say 'goodbye.' I understand the intent, because I'm not totally devoid of the feelings they tell me I'm supposed to have in the place my heart is supposed to be... I mean, like any good sociopath I understand what people are going on about, even if I don't seem to get it myself - but it seemed like such a crazy question to me. I know from when my grandfather died when I was a kid that, sure, the body is still there, but it's not that person anymore. It's a shell, an after effect, the residue you see in the periphery of your vision after a camera flash or a good optical illusion... whatever made that person that person - THEM - is long gone. Where did it go, where did it originate, how do you find it again? If you buy into the vagaries of quantum physics or ancient mysticism, nothing is ever created or destroyed, it simply changes, then it is somewhere. To which I can only reply, "Yeah, maybe." [Thanks, Robert Anton Wilson.]
You are born. You die. What's left after is the memories you made in those you had relationships with and a stack of things that you leave behind that folks are left to sort through and try to figure out why you decided to save them in an obscure corner of some filing cabinet somewhere.
Life simply is. No grand plan. 'No meaning save what we choose to impose,' as a wise comic book once taught me. All pursuits equally superficial and meaningless. But thusly, also as equally worthwhile.
"In the greater scheme or the big picture, nothing we do matters. There's no grand plan, no big win... If there is no great glorious end to all this, if - nothing we do matters, - then all that matters is what we do... 'cause that's all there is. What we do, now, today... if there is no bigger meaning, then the smallest act of kindness - is the greatest thing in the world." - Thanks Joss.
Find what stokes whatever seems to ignite your interests and passions... and do that.
For me, knowledge - thus my love of books and the internets - is still a big win. Learning and ideas excite me and flip my switch, regardless of whether I've come to that through culture or the brainwashing of education and conditioning. Experiences. Life is short. The world is huge, even if people seem mostly the same. Try to do it all, even though you can't. You'll be better for it. And a 'truth' that I've happened upon is that the quality of your life will be determined to a large degree by the quality of your heath and fitness. Whatever consciousness is or wherever it might go, it's in this body, at this time, as a vehicle for experiences, NOW. Respect that. Try not to intentionally hurt others, for the most part. ["I want you to be nice, until it's time to not be nice." - thanks, Patrick Swayze.] My life is better - more peaceful, more calm, more healthy - the more integrous I am, the more my words and actions correspond to my actual thoughts and ideas - which does not make me a big hit at dinner parties. Sorry, Sandy. I'm seriously not trying to torpedo your burgeoning career, I'm just trying to not implode and take everybody around me down with me. But language and reality are mutable and flexible and changeable. Nothing is one thing. I'll never know as much as I think I do. Do your best anyways. Say you're sorry when you've fucked up. Be happy now, and not just the instantaneous pleasure hit of satisfaction - though that's worthwhile too - but happy in the Greek sense of eudaimonia and arete.
And not yet having achieved sainthood or benificient enlightenment, the stupidity of politics and human institutions still annoy the shit out of me, blow my mind and make me want to punch the walls. So the blog will carry on in one respect as a pressure release valve so that it doesn't build up and lead me into acts of violence or self destruction. And that alone provides seemingly never ending fodder for these web pages. And I will likely massively inundate the blog over the next few days as I catch up to the world at large. I've hours and hours of podcasts, alone, to catch up on.
Onwards.
[Absurd, ridiculous, rant-y aside - I've always disliked, but actually now despise and hate with an unholy and vehement passion the absurd phrase "passed" or "passed away." I hate weak, soft, euphemistic language. I understand you are maybe trying to be considerate, or kind, or polite... but, you know, fuck you. He died. Just say it. Trying to soften the language devalues the experience. Thank you, George Carlin.]
Have passed through a great deal of the standard "phases" of grief folks postulate about, the 'experts' who speak of such things, the sadness, the tears, the anger, the day of too much alcohol - whiskey is a stage of grief, right? - and now, the catharsis of unleashing my thoughts out into the void.
Nothing like a death of someone you love to take your long standing ideas of the existential crisis and the meaning of life and see if you really seem to think what you seem to think. And chalk it up to my stubborn belief, like everyone else in the world, of experience only confirming that which you already want to think, but it seems to hold true.
I struggled to find some degree of solace in the things that "normal" people seem to find solace in, to no avail. Religion remains a goofy fairy tale subscribed to by folks desperate to cling to an idea that someone, somewhere has some idea what's going on - the belief that we get as kids, somehow that at least the adults know better, even if we don't. The vain hope that death isn't 'really' real and everybody's in a better place and we all join in one happy-fun-time-super-party that never ends, amen... it's just so ludicrous. The idea that folks still buy this, as we get older and become adults ourselves, continues to floor me. There is no bearded invisible father figure in the sky watching us all, with a grand plan, overly concerned with our sex lives... That's such a ridiculous bronze-aged thought process of a small Middle Eastern tribe, beset on all sides by enemies... interesting as far as historical myths and metaphors go, perhaps with as much to teach, but deserving of no more fealty than, say, Aesop's Fables or the Greek Myths. Like I tend to say when I'm feeling particularly smug, or properly sauced, or am talking to someone I think might be of a like mind - "I don't know if there is a god, but I know your god isn't real."
That doesn't change my "maybe, better odds than not" that something transcends what we consider life and reality. Something 'transcendent' - to repeat myself - a different level of reality or something that not only don't we understand, but that we can't understand. I tend to fall back on the idea of the brain as a tuner, not a generator of consciousness - I think that comes from Aldous Huxley, but could be someone else and I could be wrong [Heavens forbid!] That the brain doesn't create consciousness or understanding, but instead, like a radio tuner, simply dials into, by default, what is the consensus reality of human experience. Which is why things like yoga, meditation, NLP, magic and psychedelics fascinate me, the idea that these things allow you to turn the dial, so to speak, and tune into something that's not just chemicals fucking with your brain, but taking you into something else that's really there, we just can't see. [Hence, the psychedelic "trip." Trip to where is the obvious question...] Ah, my hopeful delusions have simply found another outlet. Curses to my Catholic upbringing... Brainwashing runs deep, it does...
One of the things raised, between the time my dad died and the time I could get back stateside was the question of whether they should cremate the body, or wait till I could say 'goodbye.' I understand the intent, because I'm not totally devoid of the feelings they tell me I'm supposed to have in the place my heart is supposed to be... I mean, like any good sociopath I understand what people are going on about, even if I don't seem to get it myself - but it seemed like such a crazy question to me. I know from when my grandfather died when I was a kid that, sure, the body is still there, but it's not that person anymore. It's a shell, an after effect, the residue you see in the periphery of your vision after a camera flash or a good optical illusion... whatever made that person that person - THEM - is long gone. Where did it go, where did it originate, how do you find it again? If you buy into the vagaries of quantum physics or ancient mysticism, nothing is ever created or destroyed, it simply changes, then it is somewhere. To which I can only reply, "Yeah, maybe." [Thanks, Robert Anton Wilson.]
You are born. You die. What's left after is the memories you made in those you had relationships with and a stack of things that you leave behind that folks are left to sort through and try to figure out why you decided to save them in an obscure corner of some filing cabinet somewhere.
Life simply is. No grand plan. 'No meaning save what we choose to impose,' as a wise comic book once taught me. All pursuits equally superficial and meaningless. But thusly, also as equally worthwhile.
"In the greater scheme or the big picture, nothing we do matters. There's no grand plan, no big win... If there is no great glorious end to all this, if - nothing we do matters, - then all that matters is what we do... 'cause that's all there is. What we do, now, today... if there is no bigger meaning, then the smallest act of kindness - is the greatest thing in the world." - Thanks Joss.
Find what stokes whatever seems to ignite your interests and passions... and do that.
For me, knowledge - thus my love of books and the internets - is still a big win. Learning and ideas excite me and flip my switch, regardless of whether I've come to that through culture or the brainwashing of education and conditioning. Experiences. Life is short. The world is huge, even if people seem mostly the same. Try to do it all, even though you can't. You'll be better for it. And a 'truth' that I've happened upon is that the quality of your life will be determined to a large degree by the quality of your heath and fitness. Whatever consciousness is or wherever it might go, it's in this body, at this time, as a vehicle for experiences, NOW. Respect that. Try not to intentionally hurt others, for the most part. ["I want you to be nice, until it's time to not be nice." - thanks, Patrick Swayze.] My life is better - more peaceful, more calm, more healthy - the more integrous I am, the more my words and actions correspond to my actual thoughts and ideas - which does not make me a big hit at dinner parties. Sorry, Sandy. I'm seriously not trying to torpedo your burgeoning career, I'm just trying to not implode and take everybody around me down with me. But language and reality are mutable and flexible and changeable. Nothing is one thing. I'll never know as much as I think I do. Do your best anyways. Say you're sorry when you've fucked up. Be happy now, and not just the instantaneous pleasure hit of satisfaction - though that's worthwhile too - but happy in the Greek sense of eudaimonia and arete.
And not yet having achieved sainthood or benificient enlightenment, the stupidity of politics and human institutions still annoy the shit out of me, blow my mind and make me want to punch the walls. So the blog will carry on in one respect as a pressure release valve so that it doesn't build up and lead me into acts of violence or self destruction. And that alone provides seemingly never ending fodder for these web pages. And I will likely massively inundate the blog over the next few days as I catch up to the world at large. I've hours and hours of podcasts, alone, to catch up on.
Onwards.
My dad.
Thursday, April 08, 2010
Monday, April 05, 2010
Saturday, August 29, 2009
I will never be able read, watch, or download everything on the internet.
I know. I've been trying.
Sadly, I'll need to keep reminding myself of this.
Sadly, I'll need to keep reminding myself of this.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Saturday, July 04, 2009
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Thoughts on, well, thoughts, I guess.
Talk is cheap. Absent my own projections, as much as I can, and thinking of earlier stuff, what you say is - pretty much - meaningless.
What you do is what matters. You can talk of friendship, and I'm as guilty as anyone else, but if you don't make any damn effort, you're just pretty much full of shit, yes?
What you do is what matters. You can talk of friendship, and I'm as guilty as anyone else, but if you don't make any damn effort, you're just pretty much full of shit, yes?
Friday, June 26, 2009
Thinking about things like this, lately.
TMUSCLE.com | Now Tell Me, Am I Lyin'?:
"...Most people think they have true friendships, but the facts usually don't support their belief. For instance, you might like a friend, maybe even feel that you give a shit about him, but if your give-a-shittedness isn't backed up by commitment of time, effort, or attention, it's nothing but overblown sentimentality; a façade.
...If that's the case—and it usually is—it's clear the relationship wasn't backed up by real caring. You were acquaintances and nothing more."
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Brain Dump - Random.
I haven't spoken to my mom in about 4 years. The fact that it *doesn't bother me* bothers me more than the fact I haven't talked to her. That sentence probably don't even make any damn sense. I sometimes think I'm seriously broke inside. That I don't have the things people are supposed to have to feel the things they're supposed to. It's supposed to bother you if you don't have a relationship with your mom, right? Cause I really don't miss that shit.
They should make Chuhai with a higher alcohol content. And in chocolate. But grape flavor is alright. Thank god for Jack Daniel's and diet soda.
Being in Japan, I've got way too much alcohol tolerance these days. It should be far easier to cop a buzz. You know though, I don't think you ever catch a buzz like you do the first couple times you ever have a drink. Later bloomer that I was, I had my first real drink in Rhodes, Greece circa 1991 - sophomore year in college... I remember, listening to the music in the bar/club... that I had a feel of flow and rhythm listening to music that I've never had since then. But that's probably the alcohol talking.
Speaking of alcohol, starting your week off with a Monday drinking party is a plan for failure. First grade teacher's "togetherness" party on a Monday = hangover/dragging ass on Tuesday... and pretty much shooting the hell outta the rest of the week. Things done in Japan for a sense of togetherness, I swear.
WTF is up with folks walking cats on a leash? Is that nonsense only in Japan? Cause that shit is ridiculous.
Tupac was right.
It's easy to see other people's biases. It's harder to see your own. It's the hardest to tell somebody else what their bias is. Cause nobody likes to hear that shit.
This year's school teaching schedule went from elementary school classes on Monday to classes on Tuesday and Wednesday. Even though it ends up being 2x the # of classes, I appreciate not having to deal with the munchkins the first thing Monday AM. That shit requires a certain amount of enthusiasm. Which is sometimes hard to conjure up first thing on a Monday.
If you just think something, it doesn't mean anything. Saying it out loud or writing it down puts it out there in the universe. This blog counts, even though it's out in the ether. Shoot, it's why I'm even writing this shit out, even though it doesn't "mean" anything.
These days, I automatically think less of folks that are religious or who claim religion. And then I feel guilty and elitist for judging. And then I remember that they usually choose to worship a deity who they think will condemn me to an eternity of painful torment and torture for refusing to bend a knee and worship him. Or just for being not sure. And they're cool with that. So fuck them. It evens out, I think. We'll trade my slight condescension of their intellect for their allegiance to a god who'll punish me in exquisite torture for all of time. Anyone who knows their way is the only way - be it religious, political or philosophical... well, they're just full of shit, aren't they?
Speaking of religion, I honestly do resent the fuck out of being raised in a faith that fucked my head up from an early age, filling it with a psychology filled with guilt, shame and punishment. Why the hell does a 10 year old have to go to "confession"? You're fucking 10 years old... you don't have any fucking "sins." No, instead we're going to force you to go tell the scary dude dressed all in black, who always is talking about hell, whatever things in your life you're most embarrassed or ashamed about. Yeah, that's not gonna screw you up...
Everybody's Easter wishes on Facebook ends up making me kind of angry, and then all passive aggressive. And then jealous. I wish I was simple minded and fables and nonsense gave me comfort. Ignorance is bliss. I've never known that. I think too much. Fuck.
But you know, no matter how fucked up I think things are, I can't bring myself to resent the folks who raised me. I honestly believe, everybody is doing the best they can. "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." - Plato. That shit is truth. No matter how fucked up I may think those decisions were, they tried. And they were doing their best.
That doesn't mean I can't judge that shit though.
I didn't suffer from an abusive, Dickensian childhood, but I do remember metal flyswatters used on more than one occasion on my ass. And I had a parent and a sibling who, while not quick to strike, weren't altogether hesitant to lay hands on me. I got good smackings on multiple occasions. I don't know that I deserved that shit. I remember getting smacked for spilling stuff, which strikes [haha - a pun!] me as excessive. [Glad my brother is a better father than he was a brother, at times. At least he grew out of that shit.] I do remember in my teenage years grabbing my mom's hands to keep her from smacking me. And I remember watching my mom losing her mind one time, after smacking me in the face, when I asked her if that "made her feel better." I'm absurdly proud of that moment. Smartass runs deep in my veins.
I wish I could go back in time, make completely different choices about just about everything in my life, but still end up exactly where I am now. And I would've totally been a huge slut in high school.
It is eminently fucked up to look back on your life to realize that you made a bunch of your decisions in hopes, subconsciously and psychologically, that you'd get folks to like you. And those folks you were hoping to influence were the folks who were supposed to like you, regardless of the choices you make. But those decisions DID make them like you more. And later, when you made decisions they disagreed with, they liked you less. Family is a motherfucker.
Man, I love my wife.
I remember, during the process of college selection, way back 20 or so years ago, both my parents saying, basically "yeah, we'll try to help, but you're kind of out of luck, we don't really have any $$." Any wonder, as a dumb 17 year old, I went to the Naval Academy? One thing I DO remember was the fact that my older brother was going to step up and help me out, had I decided to go to a different school. I can't tell you how crappy I felt later when I found out that my mom was pressuring my brother that it was his "responsibility" to help me out. Who the fuck was supposed to be the parent here?
All sorts of sites, books, etc say that when you are trying to figure out your future you should "follow your passion." Huh. There's a wealth of stuff I find interesting/fascinating, but passionate about? Jeez. I don't know. I remember being passionate about wanting to be Batman at about 8-9 years old, but that's about it. I can't remember an age where I wasn't expected to be intelligent, practical or pursuing what was expected of me. Ever since age, say, 26 or so, where I broke free of expectations [okay, not really, and only a little bit, but I'm working on it] where I didn't have some sort of expectation about what I should be doing... In a lot of ways, I don't even remember what it's like to BE passionate about something...
Weekends are too short. Jesus, do they blow by quick...
Joss Whedon is god.
Sometimes I wonder if people are really aware at all of the things they say, do or affect. [See biases, earlier...]
Meaning in life through work is a fickle thing. I can feel totally fulfilled when a group of kids crowd me in the store to try to have a conversation in English or when a buncha kids wanna have a bike race. Totally worth being in Japan for. Totally significant and full of satisfaction being where I am and doing what I do. But when I try to start a convo with one of the kids I think I've built up a rapport with over the last couple years, and they blow me off with a visceral disdain, it makes me wonder what the hell I'm even doing here.
It's been 5 weeks since the Mrs has headed back to the US. Since then, and I've realized only recently, I have buried myself in mediocrity. I've even said, jokingly, I need to keep myself distracted. In order to keep from thinking too much about a being split apart from the wife. And I have. Constantly, almost... video playing in the background... YouTube spirals... anything and everything just to keep myself intrigued.
But.
I've wondered, of late, why I've felt so... lacking, is probably the best word. Something missing, I guess. And the truth of it is that I have spent the time filling my life with everything and anything. And it's that that gets it. Because, really, there is a great deal of quality TV, DVD, MP3, podcasts and what else out there out in the ether, but I've not been discriminate at all. I've been, really, sucking up all and any in the vainglorious hope that it'd affray the fact I'm living alone now. That really needs to change, lest I spiral further downward and downward into a life and a world where I really don't enjoy or have a point to what I'm doing. So it is.
Less sucking it all in then, in hopes of fighting off painful loneliness, and more careful and discriminate attention to what goes into the brainpan.
They should make Chuhai with a higher alcohol content. And in chocolate. But grape flavor is alright. Thank god for Jack Daniel's and diet soda.
Being in Japan, I've got way too much alcohol tolerance these days. It should be far easier to cop a buzz. You know though, I don't think you ever catch a buzz like you do the first couple times you ever have a drink. Later bloomer that I was, I had my first real drink in Rhodes, Greece circa 1991 - sophomore year in college... I remember, listening to the music in the bar/club... that I had a feel of flow and rhythm listening to music that I've never had since then. But that's probably the alcohol talking.
Speaking of alcohol, starting your week off with a Monday drinking party is a plan for failure. First grade teacher's "togetherness" party on a Monday = hangover/dragging ass on Tuesday... and pretty much shooting the hell outta the rest of the week. Things done in Japan for a sense of togetherness, I swear.
WTF is up with folks walking cats on a leash? Is that nonsense only in Japan? Cause that shit is ridiculous.
Tupac was right.
It's easy to see other people's biases. It's harder to see your own. It's the hardest to tell somebody else what their bias is. Cause nobody likes to hear that shit.
This year's school teaching schedule went from elementary school classes on Monday to classes on Tuesday and Wednesday. Even though it ends up being 2x the # of classes, I appreciate not having to deal with the munchkins the first thing Monday AM. That shit requires a certain amount of enthusiasm. Which is sometimes hard to conjure up first thing on a Monday.
If you just think something, it doesn't mean anything. Saying it out loud or writing it down puts it out there in the universe. This blog counts, even though it's out in the ether. Shoot, it's why I'm even writing this shit out, even though it doesn't "mean" anything.
These days, I automatically think less of folks that are religious or who claim religion. And then I feel guilty and elitist for judging. And then I remember that they usually choose to worship a deity who they think will condemn me to an eternity of painful torment and torture for refusing to bend a knee and worship him. Or just for being not sure. And they're cool with that. So fuck them. It evens out, I think. We'll trade my slight condescension of their intellect for their allegiance to a god who'll punish me in exquisite torture for all of time. Anyone who knows their way is the only way - be it religious, political or philosophical... well, they're just full of shit, aren't they?
Speaking of religion, I honestly do resent the fuck out of being raised in a faith that fucked my head up from an early age, filling it with a psychology filled with guilt, shame and punishment. Why the hell does a 10 year old have to go to "confession"? You're fucking 10 years old... you don't have any fucking "sins." No, instead we're going to force you to go tell the scary dude dressed all in black, who always is talking about hell, whatever things in your life you're most embarrassed or ashamed about. Yeah, that's not gonna screw you up...
Everybody's Easter wishes on Facebook ends up making me kind of angry, and then all passive aggressive. And then jealous. I wish I was simple minded and fables and nonsense gave me comfort. Ignorance is bliss. I've never known that. I think too much. Fuck.
But you know, no matter how fucked up I think things are, I can't bring myself to resent the folks who raised me. I honestly believe, everybody is doing the best they can. "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." - Plato. That shit is truth. No matter how fucked up I may think those decisions were, they tried. And they were doing their best.
That doesn't mean I can't judge that shit though.
I didn't suffer from an abusive, Dickensian childhood, but I do remember metal flyswatters used on more than one occasion on my ass. And I had a parent and a sibling who, while not quick to strike, weren't altogether hesitant to lay hands on me. I got good smackings on multiple occasions. I don't know that I deserved that shit. I remember getting smacked for spilling stuff, which strikes [haha - a pun!] me as excessive. [Glad my brother is a better father than he was a brother, at times. At least he grew out of that shit.] I do remember in my teenage years grabbing my mom's hands to keep her from smacking me. And I remember watching my mom losing her mind one time, after smacking me in the face, when I asked her if that "made her feel better." I'm absurdly proud of that moment. Smartass runs deep in my veins.
I wish I could go back in time, make completely different choices about just about everything in my life, but still end up exactly where I am now. And I would've totally been a huge slut in high school.
It is eminently fucked up to look back on your life to realize that you made a bunch of your decisions in hopes, subconsciously and psychologically, that you'd get folks to like you. And those folks you were hoping to influence were the folks who were supposed to like you, regardless of the choices you make. But those decisions DID make them like you more. And later, when you made decisions they disagreed with, they liked you less. Family is a motherfucker.
Man, I love my wife.
I remember, during the process of college selection, way back 20 or so years ago, both my parents saying, basically "yeah, we'll try to help, but you're kind of out of luck, we don't really have any $$." Any wonder, as a dumb 17 year old, I went to the Naval Academy? One thing I DO remember was the fact that my older brother was going to step up and help me out, had I decided to go to a different school. I can't tell you how crappy I felt later when I found out that my mom was pressuring my brother that it was his "responsibility" to help me out. Who the fuck was supposed to be the parent here?
All sorts of sites, books, etc say that when you are trying to figure out your future you should "follow your passion." Huh. There's a wealth of stuff I find interesting/fascinating, but passionate about? Jeez. I don't know. I remember being passionate about wanting to be Batman at about 8-9 years old, but that's about it. I can't remember an age where I wasn't expected to be intelligent, practical or pursuing what was expected of me. Ever since age, say, 26 or so, where I broke free of expectations [okay, not really, and only a little bit, but I'm working on it] where I didn't have some sort of expectation about what I should be doing... In a lot of ways, I don't even remember what it's like to BE passionate about something...
Weekends are too short. Jesus, do they blow by quick...
Joss Whedon is god.
Sometimes I wonder if people are really aware at all of the things they say, do or affect. [See biases, earlier...]
Meaning in life through work is a fickle thing. I can feel totally fulfilled when a group of kids crowd me in the store to try to have a conversation in English or when a buncha kids wanna have a bike race. Totally worth being in Japan for. Totally significant and full of satisfaction being where I am and doing what I do. But when I try to start a convo with one of the kids I think I've built up a rapport with over the last couple years, and they blow me off with a visceral disdain, it makes me wonder what the hell I'm even doing here.
It's been 5 weeks since the Mrs has headed back to the US. Since then, and I've realized only recently, I have buried myself in mediocrity. I've even said, jokingly, I need to keep myself distracted. In order to keep from thinking too much about a being split apart from the wife. And I have. Constantly, almost... video playing in the background... YouTube spirals... anything and everything just to keep myself intrigued.
But.
I've wondered, of late, why I've felt so... lacking, is probably the best word. Something missing, I guess. And the truth of it is that I have spent the time filling my life with everything and anything. And it's that that gets it. Because, really, there is a great deal of quality TV, DVD, MP3, podcasts and what else out there out in the ether, but I've not been discriminate at all. I've been, really, sucking up all and any in the vainglorious hope that it'd affray the fact I'm living alone now. That really needs to change, lest I spiral further downward and downward into a life and a world where I really don't enjoy or have a point to what I'm doing. So it is.
Less sucking it all in then, in hopes of fighting off painful loneliness, and more careful and discriminate attention to what goes into the brainpan.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
"25 things about me" crossposted from Facebook.
1 - I have mixed feelings about Facebook. While I think it's cool to see and know what a bunch of people you used to be close to are doing with their lives... at the same time I think being in closer contact with people who you *used* to know - and who define you as a person as the person you *used* to be - hampers and hamstrings efforts at your own personal evolution and whatever efforts you make at changing yourself for the better. In my experience the people "closest" to you are the ones who give you the most grief when you try to change from who they "think" you "are." And I worry that I do that to the same people I "friend" on Facebook.
2 - I'm 36 years old and still am not entirely clear on who I am or who I want to be when I "grow up."
3 - Marriage is simultaneously the most gratifying, fulfilling, frustrating and difficult thing I've ever been a part of. I do know that I am a *much* better and psychologically much, much healthier person because of my wife. Thank you Sandy. I don't say that enough.
4 - Being the youngest of three boys, in hindsight, probably continues to have much more effect on me than I realize. At the very least, hardly ever winning at anything you compete in growing up, from Atari to driveway basketball, is sure to fuck with your head. As does trying to live up to the reputations and expectations of two highly achieving superjock older brothers.
5 - I spent the first 26 years of my life, to a large degree,trying to fulfill the expectations and gain the approval of others. From making good grades to playing football to going to the Naval Academy to joining the Marine Corps, I can see now, despite the good and the coolness I drew out those situations and experiences - which were admittedly very, very cool at times - that the reason I did them is because I just wanted the people I loved to love me back. That is a fucked up thing to realize after 26 years.
6 - I'm often just really disappointed by the people and the world. They should be better. They really, really should.
7 - I think Bill Hicks was a bodhisattva, George Carlin was a saint and Joe Rogan is a prophet. And Robert Anton Wilson was the greatest philosopher of the 20th Century.
8 - I have extremely mixed feelings about having kids. On the one hand, I thoroughly enjoy and delight in playing with kids, both at my job at elementary school and in Jr High. They are filled with joy and wonder and awesomeness. On the other hand, looking at it honestly, I feel like I'm too selfish to have kids. I don't think I could live the life I have if I had had kids. And when I think about kids of my own I usually find myself thinking of how they'd limit my options. And how it seems to me that when people have kids they abandon their own growth, dreams and development "for the children." And I honestly think and fear about what kind of permanent and scarring emotional damage I might inadvertently and irreparably cause to a child. I feel like I'm constantly struggling on where to go with this decision.
9 - I don't think there is any one right way for people to live. And I think that the vast majority of the world's problems are caused by people who think they know what other people should be doing with their lives and how other people should be living.
10 - I ignored most of these "25 things about me" things, until Aki did one. The way Jr always talked about Aki as an uber-cool older brother made me respect him a lot - even though I've only met the man all of twice. And hell, if he could write one of these things up, I can too. The opinions of my friends apparently means a lot to me. I don't know yet if that's a good or a bad thing.
11 - I thought I'd breeze through these. Now I think, writing this, I'm writing TMI and turning into a big, whiny, navel-gazing, introspective girl. [And now, apparently, I'm sexist as well.]
12 - I wish I could go back in time, do just about everything different, be a completely different person and have lots and lots of different experiences, but still end up exactly where I am now. I also know these kinds of regrets and thinking back are nothing but wasted time and emotions.
13 - I live in my head too much. I think too much. I read too much. I surf the internet too much.
14 - I know I'm too negative and cynical and need to work on being more optimistic. The great thing about my job is that I get to suck up and enjoy all the youthful optimism, cheer and joy of my kids. My job really does rock.
15 - Knowing that I spent a lot of my life trying to meet the expectations of others, these days I'm a lot more inclined to tell you to fuck off and that I couldn't possibly care what you think. This does not make me a hit at parties.
16 - From 15 - Obviously, my people skills suck.
17 - Despite 4 years at the Naval Academy and 5 years in the Marine Corps, the concept of patriotism doesn't make any sense to me AT ALL. The idea of loyalty to some imaginary lines drawn on a map, based on an accident of birth, where people got tired of fighting, strikes me as insane. Idealistically and naively I get that people are loyal to the ideals of a nation, but the fact of the matter is that no military is deployed based on the ideals of a nation - and are instead are expected to fight due to matters of political expediency and geopolitical influence. One of the many reasons I left the military is that it seems insane to kill and die based on the whims and decisions and venal and ridiculous politicians.
18 - Finding out a few years ago I have family - close family - I've never met and never even knew about makes me feel angry, deceived and cheated, and convinces me more and more that my childhood was filled with lies and deception. And affirms that the ideas of friends and "chosen families" are more influential than blood.
19 - Almost everything in my life can be tracked back to comic books. The box under my older brother's bed and the used bookstore my dad used to take me to. Batman takes me to Bruce Lee, Sherlock Holmes and Harry Houdini. Which matches a lifelong interest in martial arts, critical and analytical thinking, deception and psychology. Dennis O'Neil's 'The Question', Frank Miller's 'The Dark Knight Returns' and Alan Moore's 'Watchmen' takes me into existentialism, metaphysics, zen and philosophy. Warren Ellis takes me to Hunter S. Thompson and transhumanism. To some degree I still want to be the comic book characters I read about as a kid.
20 - Over the last 10 years my diet has run the gamut from vegetarianism to lacto-ovo to pesco to low carb to paleo to omnivore. I understand and agree with the ideas of vegetarianism as an ethical choice, but think, more and more, that vegetarianism isn't an evolutionarily viable option. Nor a healthy one.
21 - Since getting out of the military my fitness and health level has rollercoastered all over the damn place as I've had to reconfigure and break down the difference between coercion and discipline [discipline comes from within.] Finally, about 10 months ago I finally hit my own rock-bottom. Since then I've lost about 22lbs and finally feel like I'm back on the path of moving towards the person I want to be.
22 - I think I tend towards an addictive personality. Be it information/the internet, food, alcohol or sugar, I find myself needing to be aware of that fact.
23 - I sometimes feel obsessed with pithy aphorisms, saying, quotations and truisms. I think there's wisdom in them most people don't pay attention to. My two current favorites are - "I don't believe anything. Since we all create our habitual reality-tunnels, either consciously and intelligently or unconsciously and mechanically, I prefer to create... the happiest, funniest, and most romantic reality-tunnel consistent with the signals my brain apprehends. I feel sorry for people who persistently organize experience into sad, dreary and hopeless reality tunnels, and try to show them how to break the bad habit, but I don't feel any masochistic duty to share their misery... My goal is to try to get people into a state of generalized agnosticism... not agnosticism about God alone, but agnosticism about everything." - Robert Anton Wilson AND "It is always about you and your body... It's how you see yourself, and as a result, how you see the rest of the world. The body dictates everything. It's where it all starts. What you can make it do. What you can make it endure. How quick you can be. How precise. How quiet, and strong, and flexible and still... It is at the heart of eveything you do, and you must be able to trust it absolutely..." - Critical Space, Greg Rucka
24 - I am clearly, when it comes to writing, a long winded motherfucker. Which is a marked contrast to how little I verbally express myself.
25 - I think organized religion is bullshit. I get why people gravitate towards it for a sense of community or purpose, but even the most cursory examination of history or comparative theology can show you it's nonsense, if you're even half willing to critically examine your own social conditioning. Even if you grant that in its origins most faiths have a kernel of decency and goodness, when you look at history, it's all pretty immediately perverted into tools of control, power and destruction.
I have a hard time dealing with religious folks. Abandoning critical thought and introspection for the comfort of dogma, groupthink and faith strikes me as a profoundly cowardly way to live.
I don't doubt people have incredibly moving spiritual experiences. I just think they're shaped by your own personal psychology and culture and like anything else, your religion and your experiences say more about you than it does about the true nature of spirituality or god.
Personally, I blame Catholicism and Christianity for for infusing and permeating my childhood psychology with deep seated notions of fear, shame, punishment and guilt. And I think what religion does to kids is tantamount to child abuse if anything is. Filling impressionable children's heads with images of a vengeful god that will burn you in the painful fires of hell for all of time and eternity [but he loves you!] if you don't worship him and do what he says is so amazingly fucked up it leaves me without words.
But I'm not nearly arrogant enough to say that no god exists. In fact, I'd lay odds that that there is a transcendental aspect to reality.
2 - I'm 36 years old and still am not entirely clear on who I am or who I want to be when I "grow up."
3 - Marriage is simultaneously the most gratifying, fulfilling, frustrating and difficult thing I've ever been a part of. I do know that I am a *much* better and psychologically much, much healthier person because of my wife. Thank you Sandy. I don't say that enough.
4 - Being the youngest of three boys, in hindsight, probably continues to have much more effect on me than I realize. At the very least, hardly ever winning at anything you compete in growing up, from Atari to driveway basketball, is sure to fuck with your head. As does trying to live up to the reputations and expectations of two highly achieving superjock older brothers.
5 - I spent the first 26 years of my life, to a large degree,trying to fulfill the expectations and gain the approval of others. From making good grades to playing football to going to the Naval Academy to joining the Marine Corps, I can see now, despite the good and the coolness I drew out those situations and experiences - which were admittedly very, very cool at times - that the reason I did them is because I just wanted the people I loved to love me back. That is a fucked up thing to realize after 26 years.
6 - I'm often just really disappointed by the people and the world. They should be better. They really, really should.
7 - I think Bill Hicks was a bodhisattva, George Carlin was a saint and Joe Rogan is a prophet. And Robert Anton Wilson was the greatest philosopher of the 20th Century.
8 - I have extremely mixed feelings about having kids. On the one hand, I thoroughly enjoy and delight in playing with kids, both at my job at elementary school and in Jr High. They are filled with joy and wonder and awesomeness. On the other hand, looking at it honestly, I feel like I'm too selfish to have kids. I don't think I could live the life I have if I had had kids. And when I think about kids of my own I usually find myself thinking of how they'd limit my options. And how it seems to me that when people have kids they abandon their own growth, dreams and development "for the children." And I honestly think and fear about what kind of permanent and scarring emotional damage I might inadvertently and irreparably cause to a child. I feel like I'm constantly struggling on where to go with this decision.
9 - I don't think there is any one right way for people to live. And I think that the vast majority of the world's problems are caused by people who think they know what other people should be doing with their lives and how other people should be living.
10 - I ignored most of these "25 things about me" things, until Aki did one. The way Jr always talked about Aki as an uber-cool older brother made me respect him a lot - even though I've only met the man all of twice. And hell, if he could write one of these things up, I can too. The opinions of my friends apparently means a lot to me. I don't know yet if that's a good or a bad thing.
11 - I thought I'd breeze through these. Now I think, writing this, I'm writing TMI and turning into a big, whiny, navel-gazing, introspective girl. [And now, apparently, I'm sexist as well.]
12 - I wish I could go back in time, do just about everything different, be a completely different person and have lots and lots of different experiences, but still end up exactly where I am now. I also know these kinds of regrets and thinking back are nothing but wasted time and emotions.
13 - I live in my head too much. I think too much. I read too much. I surf the internet too much.
14 - I know I'm too negative and cynical and need to work on being more optimistic. The great thing about my job is that I get to suck up and enjoy all the youthful optimism, cheer and joy of my kids. My job really does rock.
15 - Knowing that I spent a lot of my life trying to meet the expectations of others, these days I'm a lot more inclined to tell you to fuck off and that I couldn't possibly care what you think. This does not make me a hit at parties.
16 - From 15 - Obviously, my people skills suck.
17 - Despite 4 years at the Naval Academy and 5 years in the Marine Corps, the concept of patriotism doesn't make any sense to me AT ALL. The idea of loyalty to some imaginary lines drawn on a map, based on an accident of birth, where people got tired of fighting, strikes me as insane. Idealistically and naively I get that people are loyal to the ideals of a nation, but the fact of the matter is that no military is deployed based on the ideals of a nation - and are instead are expected to fight due to matters of political expediency and geopolitical influence. One of the many reasons I left the military is that it seems insane to kill and die based on the whims and decisions and venal and ridiculous politicians.
18 - Finding out a few years ago I have family - close family - I've never met and never even knew about makes me feel angry, deceived and cheated, and convinces me more and more that my childhood was filled with lies and deception. And affirms that the ideas of friends and "chosen families" are more influential than blood.
19 - Almost everything in my life can be tracked back to comic books. The box under my older brother's bed and the used bookstore my dad used to take me to. Batman takes me to Bruce Lee, Sherlock Holmes and Harry Houdini. Which matches a lifelong interest in martial arts, critical and analytical thinking, deception and psychology. Dennis O'Neil's 'The Question', Frank Miller's 'The Dark Knight Returns' and Alan Moore's 'Watchmen' takes me into existentialism, metaphysics, zen and philosophy. Warren Ellis takes me to Hunter S. Thompson and transhumanism. To some degree I still want to be the comic book characters I read about as a kid.
20 - Over the last 10 years my diet has run the gamut from vegetarianism to lacto-ovo to pesco to low carb to paleo to omnivore. I understand and agree with the ideas of vegetarianism as an ethical choice, but think, more and more, that vegetarianism isn't an evolutionarily viable option. Nor a healthy one.
21 - Since getting out of the military my fitness and health level has rollercoastered all over the damn place as I've had to reconfigure and break down the difference between coercion and discipline [discipline comes from within.] Finally, about 10 months ago I finally hit my own rock-bottom. Since then I've lost about 22lbs and finally feel like I'm back on the path of moving towards the person I want to be.
22 - I think I tend towards an addictive personality. Be it information/the internet, food, alcohol or sugar, I find myself needing to be aware of that fact.
23 - I sometimes feel obsessed with pithy aphorisms, saying, quotations and truisms. I think there's wisdom in them most people don't pay attention to. My two current favorites are - "I don't believe anything. Since we all create our habitual reality-tunnels, either consciously and intelligently or unconsciously and mechanically, I prefer to create... the happiest, funniest, and most romantic reality-tunnel consistent with the signals my brain apprehends. I feel sorry for people who persistently organize experience into sad, dreary and hopeless reality tunnels, and try to show them how to break the bad habit, but I don't feel any masochistic duty to share their misery... My goal is to try to get people into a state of generalized agnosticism... not agnosticism about God alone, but agnosticism about everything." - Robert Anton Wilson AND "It is always about you and your body... It's how you see yourself, and as a result, how you see the rest of the world. The body dictates everything. It's where it all starts. What you can make it do. What you can make it endure. How quick you can be. How precise. How quiet, and strong, and flexible and still... It is at the heart of eveything you do, and you must be able to trust it absolutely..." - Critical Space, Greg Rucka
24 - I am clearly, when it comes to writing, a long winded motherfucker. Which is a marked contrast to how little I verbally express myself.
25 - I think organized religion is bullshit. I get why people gravitate towards it for a sense of community or purpose, but even the most cursory examination of history or comparative theology can show you it's nonsense, if you're even half willing to critically examine your own social conditioning. Even if you grant that in its origins most faiths have a kernel of decency and goodness, when you look at history, it's all pretty immediately perverted into tools of control, power and destruction.
I have a hard time dealing with religious folks. Abandoning critical thought and introspection for the comfort of dogma, groupthink and faith strikes me as a profoundly cowardly way to live.
I don't doubt people have incredibly moving spiritual experiences. I just think they're shaped by your own personal psychology and culture and like anything else, your religion and your experiences say more about you than it does about the true nature of spirituality or god.
Personally, I blame Catholicism and Christianity for for infusing and permeating my childhood psychology with deep seated notions of fear, shame, punishment and guilt. And I think what religion does to kids is tantamount to child abuse if anything is. Filling impressionable children's heads with images of a vengeful god that will burn you in the painful fires of hell for all of time and eternity [but he loves you!] if you don't worship him and do what he says is so amazingly fucked up it leaves me without words.
But I'm not nearly arrogant enough to say that no god exists. In fact, I'd lay odds that that there is a transcendental aspect to reality.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Why I won't teach in the US.
Almost unfailingly, when people see/hear/learn I've been in Japan teaching these past few years, they ask if I plan on teaching back in the states. Another friend asked that via email just recently. And hell, what else is this blogging nonsense for if not working out whatevers going on in my brainpan?
I don't imagine I'll pursue teaching in the states. Actually, I know I won't. I have thought about it, moreso in the early days of being in Japan, when I kind of realized I was getting a kick out of it. But even the most cursory of research into the American educational system these days is rife with bureaucratic regulations and nonsense of the highest order. There's at least as much bureaucratic nonsense here, of a slightly different sort, but by virtue of my position here - not to mention the language barrier and the somewhat, ummm, racial, expectations of foreigners in Japan - I'm effectively removed from 99.9 percent of it, of which the net result is awesomeness.
Plus, here I get all the good parts of teaching - the teaching and connecting with kids parts - while having little to no responsibility at all for things like discipline and grading. Shoot, the sheer amount of rough housing, wrestling and judo I play with the elementary and Jr high kids would be enough to get me barred from most schools in the US. And while the slightly conformist nature of Japanese culture still can rub me the wrong way, in schools - it, um, works to my advantage. So my powers of denial deem that an acceptable trade-off.
And while I've not any teacher experience in the states to compare with, there's so little disciplinary difficulty here... regular disciplinary issues are things like dyed hair and short skirts. Maybe sleeping or being a little noisy. I mean, come on. And schools and teachers are still deferred to by parents in Japan, not the - obviously - other way around in the states. Where insane and irresponsible parents hamstring the educational system in the US with their sense of entitlement, leaving teachers and administrations living in fear of the inevitable lawsuit. At least that was my impression as the husband of a high school teacher for a few years. And from reading too much on the internets.
As an aside, there's actually a rise in this kind of parental behavior here in Japan, called "Monster Parent" - so much so that it achieved the pinnacle of Japanese culture last year - The TV Drama.
Monster Parent - DramaWiki:
Conservative Japanese, of course, blame this type of Monster Parent behavior on "foreign" influence. Sigh.
I don't imagine I'll pursue teaching in the states. Actually, I know I won't. I have thought about it, moreso in the early days of being in Japan, when I kind of realized I was getting a kick out of it. But even the most cursory of research into the American educational system these days is rife with bureaucratic regulations and nonsense of the highest order. There's at least as much bureaucratic nonsense here, of a slightly different sort, but by virtue of my position here - not to mention the language barrier and the somewhat, ummm, racial, expectations of foreigners in Japan - I'm effectively removed from 99.9 percent of it, of which the net result is awesomeness.
Plus, here I get all the good parts of teaching - the teaching and connecting with kids parts - while having little to no responsibility at all for things like discipline and grading. Shoot, the sheer amount of rough housing, wrestling and judo I play with the elementary and Jr high kids would be enough to get me barred from most schools in the US. And while the slightly conformist nature of Japanese culture still can rub me the wrong way, in schools - it, um, works to my advantage. So my powers of denial deem that an acceptable trade-off.
And while I've not any teacher experience in the states to compare with, there's so little disciplinary difficulty here... regular disciplinary issues are things like dyed hair and short skirts. Maybe sleeping or being a little noisy. I mean, come on. And schools and teachers are still deferred to by parents in Japan, not the - obviously - other way around in the states. Where insane and irresponsible parents hamstring the educational system in the US with their sense of entitlement, leaving teachers and administrations living in fear of the inevitable lawsuit. At least that was my impression as the husband of a high school teacher for a few years. And from reading too much on the internets.
As an aside, there's actually a rise in this kind of parental behavior here in Japan, called "Monster Parent" - so much so that it achieved the pinnacle of Japanese culture last year - The TV Drama.
Monster Parent - DramaWiki:
"Monster parents-a neologism that denotes parents who repeatedly make unreasonable demands to their children’s school and prevent it from functioning normally. Takamura Itsuki is the ace lawyer of a major law firm. One day, she is assigned on a case requested by a school board, and learns of the existence of 'monster parents.' She meets a parent who wants the school to fire a teacher with a dialect for fear that he may exert bad influence on her child, a parent who insists that her son get a regular position on the soccer team, a parent who refuses to pay the lunch fee because it doesn’t taste good and so on. She is, at first, reluctant about this case, but gradually becomes determined to solve the problems. --Fuji TV"
Conservative Japanese, of course, blame this type of Monster Parent behavior on "foreign" influence. Sigh.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
One more year.
So, I turned in the paperwork yesterday to request one more, and my last ever, year on the JET Programme. Year 5. [After which, they kick you out.]
And while it's entirely possible they could say "no" - I think my four years in, and the fact I got re-upped last year, are indicative that the odds are in my favor that I'll be sticking around till summer of 2010. I'm supposed to receive the official accept/deny notification sometime around mid-Feb. Officially Feb 13th, but last year they forgot altogether to let me know that it'd been accepted/approved and I had to ask sometime around March. Which wasn't as big a deal as it sounds as there was kind of a conceptual understanding that I was going to stick around.
If they do come back with a "No thanks" that renders the rest of this post moot, but hey, you go with what you know.
[As an aside, it was a bit of an ego-kick that when I did turn in my papers the response was along the lines of "Oh yes, the economy is bad in America now." Hmmm... would that I'd had the fluency to get across the point that that really has nothing to do with why I'm hanging around another year. Don't get me wrong, it's a nice bennie, but... no, that's not it. And the other articulated reaction that I caught was "Now we have to look at the budget." I wasn't expecting rose-petals thrown at my feet, but a little something-something would've been nice. Eh, cross cultural communication and me being an overly sensitive goof, probably. They, last year, were trying to talk me into staying a 5th, when I was saying my 4th was my last... but then, that was over drinks... and in Japan you can say anything over drinks...]
So, why 5? And after I started off year 4 with every school-related blog post lamenting that it was "last" time for everything? Well, the thing is, the Mrs and I have moved every 2 years since we've been together. Hawaii, 2 years. Japan [the first time] 2 years. NC, 2 years. DC/VA, 2 years. And then I went and broke the mold here in Japan, as we're hitting the 3 1/2 year mark. So, there's that. We've both got a bit of the wanderlust thing going on.
But me, not so much recently. In Japan, I've been oddly fulfilled and not terribly inclined to be moving on to the next thing. The job itself is probably the favorite job I've ever had. Connecting with the kids, developing relationships with them, even hamstrung by language and culture, has been a really rewarding experience for me. And the big reason I want to stay is so that I can see this year's 2nd graders graduate next March. They're really a great group of kids and I feel like I've really connected with a bunch of them. [Hell, I'd like to see this year's 1st graders graduate 2 years from now, but logistically that's an impossibility in the job...]
The wife, otoh, has kind of the opposite feel for it, in that she is more than ready... far past ready... to get on with "what's next" and whatever place and step is next. She was definitely in for 2, and then the 3rd, as I was digging it and 3 years used to be the "max" on JET, but year 4, that we're in now, has been kind of a painful stretch, and the idea of a year 5 is a non-starter. While she excels at the private company English deal, it's not that challenging for her and not where she sees herself in the long run. [I don't see myself teaching in Japan for the "long run" either, but the "long run" is far less a consideration in my decision making process...]
So the idea of year 4 as my last year on JET was really based on her desire to move on to the next thing. But she called it early, and obviously, that I'm really not ready to go. I enjoy my job. I like Japan. And while I think there are a bunch of things in the Japanese educational system and the culture that are kind of painful, I'm really satisfied with the role I play in it.
But she's ready to go. But I want to stay. An intractable problem? Nay, I say unto you.
There's really no better way to put this than the way my better half summed it up the other day - "It's really a lot better that we end up missing each other for a little while than we do something 'for the other person' and end up resenting one another." Bibles of truth in that.
She would really regret it if she stayed in Japan, spinning her wheels. I would really regret it if I left this job and this experience before I had to.
So, we're gonna do the 'long-distance' thing for a while. In a few months she'll be heading back stateside to begin the 2nd stage of an interview process for a govt job, and I'm gonna stay here.
Piece of cake. We actually, before we got married, did the long distance thing for 2 1/2 years. VA to NC for 4 months, TN to NC for 3, and then the biggee at the time - Hawaii to NC for 2 years. And at the end of all that we got married. So, 17 months this go-around should be a cakewalk. Especially now in the age of the internet and Skype videophoning. Hell, when we first started dating we had email - kind of - and massive monthly phone bills... so I really don't anticipate a problem this time, the ease of communication being what it is.
At first the idea of being married, and living apart for a while, really bugged me, and it was the reason I held off on actually saying to myself "Yes, I do want to stay another year." One of the reasons, though certainly not the main one, that I got out of the military is because I really don't think a relationship should be such that you're regularly spending 3-6 months away from your significant other on a regular basis. Naive and overly romantic, sure, and there are lots of folks who make it work, but it just didn't really seem like something I wanted to do. But again - "missing you is better than resenting you." And life and relationships are never the simple story you think it is when you start out. So it's certainly not optimal, but it's what's gonna work for us, right here, right now.
So the next year and a half are gonna be different. Gonna be some changes. Sandy's gonna head back [quicker than I want] and lay the foundation for "what's next." Not to mention being able to decorate and clean all on her own, without having to deal with my "input." :) I'm gonna finish out here in the way I want, no regrets. We're gonna burn up the internets with communication and do our every 6 month "time for a visit" trips. [Tentatively, me, back stateside for a few weeks in July/August... her, back out here around Xmas/New Year's.] And I'm gonna have to muddle through Japan, limited linguistic ability and all, without the backstop of a fluent Japanese speaker in my hip pocket.
[And you know, while it makes no rational sense, I keep having the impression that a lot of other things around work and such are going to be in flux. March is the time for teacher rotations and staff rotations at the city hall, and I just have this feeling that I'm going to have a bunch of different faces in my world come March time-frame. I mean, my supervisor at the Board of Ed has already lasted a year longer than the other two supervisors I've had since I've been here, so I figure he's definitely - and sadly, as he's a great guy - due to rotate. And I just have this - and it is nothing more than a feeling, really - that the English dept is gonna have some changes. But who knows? I'm probably just taking the changes that are happening to me and extrapolating needlessly.]
Anyway. One more year. Most likely, anyways. Barring the Board of Education discovering they don't want me anymore. :)
Gambaremasu.
And while it's entirely possible they could say "no" - I think my four years in, and the fact I got re-upped last year, are indicative that the odds are in my favor that I'll be sticking around till summer of 2010. I'm supposed to receive the official accept/deny notification sometime around mid-Feb. Officially Feb 13th, but last year they forgot altogether to let me know that it'd been accepted/approved and I had to ask sometime around March. Which wasn't as big a deal as it sounds as there was kind of a conceptual understanding that I was going to stick around.
If they do come back with a "No thanks" that renders the rest of this post moot, but hey, you go with what you know.
[As an aside, it was a bit of an ego-kick that when I did turn in my papers the response was along the lines of "Oh yes, the economy is bad in America now." Hmmm... would that I'd had the fluency to get across the point that that really has nothing to do with why I'm hanging around another year. Don't get me wrong, it's a nice bennie, but... no, that's not it. And the other articulated reaction that I caught was "Now we have to look at the budget." I wasn't expecting rose-petals thrown at my feet, but a little something-something would've been nice. Eh, cross cultural communication and me being an overly sensitive goof, probably. They, last year, were trying to talk me into staying a 5th, when I was saying my 4th was my last... but then, that was over drinks... and in Japan you can say anything over drinks...]
So, why 5? And after I started off year 4 with every school-related blog post lamenting that it was "last" time for everything? Well, the thing is, the Mrs and I have moved every 2 years since we've been together. Hawaii, 2 years. Japan [the first time] 2 years. NC, 2 years. DC/VA, 2 years. And then I went and broke the mold here in Japan, as we're hitting the 3 1/2 year mark. So, there's that. We've both got a bit of the wanderlust thing going on.
But me, not so much recently. In Japan, I've been oddly fulfilled and not terribly inclined to be moving on to the next thing. The job itself is probably the favorite job I've ever had. Connecting with the kids, developing relationships with them, even hamstrung by language and culture, has been a really rewarding experience for me. And the big reason I want to stay is so that I can see this year's 2nd graders graduate next March. They're really a great group of kids and I feel like I've really connected with a bunch of them. [Hell, I'd like to see this year's 1st graders graduate 2 years from now, but logistically that's an impossibility in the job...]
The wife, otoh, has kind of the opposite feel for it, in that she is more than ready... far past ready... to get on with "what's next" and whatever place and step is next. She was definitely in for 2, and then the 3rd, as I was digging it and 3 years used to be the "max" on JET, but year 4, that we're in now, has been kind of a painful stretch, and the idea of a year 5 is a non-starter. While she excels at the private company English deal, it's not that challenging for her and not where she sees herself in the long run. [I don't see myself teaching in Japan for the "long run" either, but the "long run" is far less a consideration in my decision making process...]
So the idea of year 4 as my last year on JET was really based on her desire to move on to the next thing. But she called it early, and obviously, that I'm really not ready to go. I enjoy my job. I like Japan. And while I think there are a bunch of things in the Japanese educational system and the culture that are kind of painful, I'm really satisfied with the role I play in it.
But she's ready to go. But I want to stay. An intractable problem? Nay, I say unto you.
There's really no better way to put this than the way my better half summed it up the other day - "It's really a lot better that we end up missing each other for a little while than we do something 'for the other person' and end up resenting one another." Bibles of truth in that.
She would really regret it if she stayed in Japan, spinning her wheels. I would really regret it if I left this job and this experience before I had to.
So, we're gonna do the 'long-distance' thing for a while. In a few months she'll be heading back stateside to begin the 2nd stage of an interview process for a govt job, and I'm gonna stay here.
Piece of cake. We actually, before we got married, did the long distance thing for 2 1/2 years. VA to NC for 4 months, TN to NC for 3, and then the biggee at the time - Hawaii to NC for 2 years. And at the end of all that we got married. So, 17 months this go-around should be a cakewalk. Especially now in the age of the internet and Skype videophoning. Hell, when we first started dating we had email - kind of - and massive monthly phone bills... so I really don't anticipate a problem this time, the ease of communication being what it is.
At first the idea of being married, and living apart for a while, really bugged me, and it was the reason I held off on actually saying to myself "Yes, I do want to stay another year." One of the reasons, though certainly not the main one, that I got out of the military is because I really don't think a relationship should be such that you're regularly spending 3-6 months away from your significant other on a regular basis. Naive and overly romantic, sure, and there are lots of folks who make it work, but it just didn't really seem like something I wanted to do. But again - "missing you is better than resenting you." And life and relationships are never the simple story you think it is when you start out. So it's certainly not optimal, but it's what's gonna work for us, right here, right now.
So the next year and a half are gonna be different. Gonna be some changes. Sandy's gonna head back [quicker than I want] and lay the foundation for "what's next." Not to mention being able to decorate and clean all on her own, without having to deal with my "input." :) I'm gonna finish out here in the way I want, no regrets. We're gonna burn up the internets with communication and do our every 6 month "time for a visit" trips. [Tentatively, me, back stateside for a few weeks in July/August... her, back out here around Xmas/New Year's.] And I'm gonna have to muddle through Japan, limited linguistic ability and all, without the backstop of a fluent Japanese speaker in my hip pocket.
[And you know, while it makes no rational sense, I keep having the impression that a lot of other things around work and such are going to be in flux. March is the time for teacher rotations and staff rotations at the city hall, and I just have this feeling that I'm going to have a bunch of different faces in my world come March time-frame. I mean, my supervisor at the Board of Ed has already lasted a year longer than the other two supervisors I've had since I've been here, so I figure he's definitely - and sadly, as he's a great guy - due to rotate. And I just have this - and it is nothing more than a feeling, really - that the English dept is gonna have some changes. But who knows? I'm probably just taking the changes that are happening to me and extrapolating needlessly.]
Anyway. One more year. Most likely, anyways. Barring the Board of Education discovering they don't want me anymore. :)
Gambaremasu.
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Illumination on Global Warming.
Reading Forty Signs of Rain, an ecologcial/global warming thriller [though I'm going to have to use thriller very lightly here] and biking to work in the rain this AM, it struck me that [at least] one of the things that bugs me about the environmental/global warming movement is this: the climate is changing - regardless of whether your opinion on it says it's good science or bad science - and the response seems to be that the movement wants to stop change. "Stop Global Warming!" But you can't stop change. Change is constant. Trying to stop change is evolutionary failure. To be evolutionarily successful, as an individual or a species, you adapt to change. Does it strike no one else, on its face, as absurd that we're trying to control the environment? If it's raining, you don't look for ways to make it stop raining, you get an umbrella. Or go indoors.
Weird control freak-ish mentality. To me, anyways.
And it's odd, because I support most of the things that the "save the world" types do... We should get off of oil, just for the geopolitical reasons alone... we should reduce, reuse, recycle and move to cleaner fuels, just because you don't foul your nest, as it were [that's just common sense, really...] and the pressure for the modern lifestyle and the accumulation of stuff is less and less appealing to me as I get older... But the idea of doing all that so we can "save the world" or "control the environment" strikes me as nuts. You can't control the environment - be it the actual enviroment or just the environment of your situations in life - you can never "control for all the variables." And trying to control anything but yourself leads to frustration and failure. IMHO.
Weird control freak-ish mentality. To me, anyways.
And it's odd, because I support most of the things that the "save the world" types do... We should get off of oil, just for the geopolitical reasons alone... we should reduce, reuse, recycle and move to cleaner fuels, just because you don't foul your nest, as it were [that's just common sense, really...] and the pressure for the modern lifestyle and the accumulation of stuff is less and less appealing to me as I get older... But the idea of doing all that so we can "save the world" or "control the environment" strikes me as nuts. You can't control the environment - be it the actual enviroment or just the environment of your situations in life - you can never "control for all the variables." And trying to control anything but yourself leads to frustration and failure. IMHO.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Random JET Programme Mid-Year Conference Ruminations...
This past week I had to go to a two day seminar for folks in the Fukuoka/Kitakyushu area on the JET Programme.
Random:
- 2 days at this thing is far too long, with too much padding, too much dead time, and no efficiency whatsoever. The conference is about 2-3 hours of worthwhile material stretched out over 2 days. And yes, I actually did fill out the post-seminar feedback eval, and pretty much said the same thing. So I'm not just whinging. With better planning, it could easily be knocked out in day. Especially if you cut out the workshops by JETs who were clearly coerced into doing a presentation about something they really didn't care about and didn't know that much about.
- while, otoh, I can admire and respect those ALTs filled with both enthusiasm and optimism for improving and changing some things about the ways English is taught in Japan, there gets to be a point where it strikes me as hubristic arrogance. Of, almost, the culturally imperialistic kind. It's that fine line between "Let me help to make this better" and "Let me show you what you're doing wrong in the two years I'm here in your country. Then I'll return to my nation, having fixed yours."
That might be a slight overstatement, but at one point, walking around during lunchtime, I heard this winner of a quote - "Well, if they really understood what education is for, then they'd change things."
And see, in theory, I agree with a lot of the criticisms of the Japanese educational model. It is overly rigid, overly structured, and too reliant on by-the-book memorization and testing skills. And actually learning to speak the English language is hamstrung by a lot of the teaching methodology.
But.
See, the thing is... it's their country. And their system. You are just visiting. You, in your role, are never going to be able to effectively institute systemic educational changes in your role as an ALT. Your place, for lack of a better term, is culturally defined to prevent that.
Again, do I think that's a good thing? No, not really. But it is what it is. And to try and change that, is, like pissing into the wind.
But a lot of that perspective is something I've probably come to over my own 3 and a 1/2 years here. And I've felt for a while that the most effective thing you can do as an ALT is try to make genuine, individual connections with as many students and teachers as you can. That's how you actually make any kind of change, person by person, individual by individual...
But what do I know?
And in the very cool Japan category, coming home from the conference on the 2nd day, the JR train station had put up their Xmas tree, and a bunch of yochien [kindergarten] students were singing Xmas carols in Japanese. Too unbelievably cute for words, and I wish I'd had my camera. Plus they had a Santa Claus give out presents, and some of the yochien kids were apparently the younger sisters and brothers of my elementary school kids, as I saw/played with a bunch of them while waiting on my ride.
But hands down, the best thing of the two day seminar was having to take the train out to Sasaguri both mornings. Why, you ask? Because both going to and coming from, I ran into a bunch of my former JR HS kids, on their way to [and coming home from] high school. And to a person they were all tickled and delighted that not only did I remember them, but that I'd come over and say "hi."
Even with my paltry Japanese, I can't even express how gratifying it was to hear one girl talk with her friend [in Japanese] after I'd briefly visited with them - "Hey, he really remembered us! That was cool! Yeah!"
Just spending a few moments to say "Hi. Long time no see! What high school are you at? Do you like it? Is it hard? How have you been?" and letting them know that YES, OF COURSE I remember you. And you mattered to me. And it was really good to have known you. THAT's the JET Programme, I think. Really. Not the whole English teaching part. [Though that's good too.]
Random:
- 2 days at this thing is far too long, with too much padding, too much dead time, and no efficiency whatsoever. The conference is about 2-3 hours of worthwhile material stretched out over 2 days. And yes, I actually did fill out the post-seminar feedback eval, and pretty much said the same thing. So I'm not just whinging. With better planning, it could easily be knocked out in day. Especially if you cut out the workshops by JETs who were clearly coerced into doing a presentation about something they really didn't care about and didn't know that much about.
- while, otoh, I can admire and respect those ALTs filled with both enthusiasm and optimism for improving and changing some things about the ways English is taught in Japan, there gets to be a point where it strikes me as hubristic arrogance. Of, almost, the culturally imperialistic kind. It's that fine line between "Let me help to make this better" and "Let me show you what you're doing wrong in the two years I'm here in your country. Then I'll return to my nation, having fixed yours."
That might be a slight overstatement, but at one point, walking around during lunchtime, I heard this winner of a quote - "Well, if they really understood what education is for, then they'd change things."
And see, in theory, I agree with a lot of the criticisms of the Japanese educational model. It is overly rigid, overly structured, and too reliant on by-the-book memorization and testing skills. And actually learning to speak the English language is hamstrung by a lot of the teaching methodology.
But.
See, the thing is... it's their country. And their system. You are just visiting. You, in your role, are never going to be able to effectively institute systemic educational changes in your role as an ALT. Your place, for lack of a better term, is culturally defined to prevent that.
Again, do I think that's a good thing? No, not really. But it is what it is. And to try and change that, is, like pissing into the wind.
But a lot of that perspective is something I've probably come to over my own 3 and a 1/2 years here. And I've felt for a while that the most effective thing you can do as an ALT is try to make genuine, individual connections with as many students and teachers as you can. That's how you actually make any kind of change, person by person, individual by individual...
But what do I know?
And in the very cool Japan category, coming home from the conference on the 2nd day, the JR train station had put up their Xmas tree, and a bunch of yochien [kindergarten] students were singing Xmas carols in Japanese. Too unbelievably cute for words, and I wish I'd had my camera. Plus they had a Santa Claus give out presents, and some of the yochien kids were apparently the younger sisters and brothers of my elementary school kids, as I saw/played with a bunch of them while waiting on my ride.
But hands down, the best thing of the two day seminar was having to take the train out to Sasaguri both mornings. Why, you ask? Because both going to and coming from, I ran into a bunch of my former JR HS kids, on their way to [and coming home from] high school. And to a person they were all tickled and delighted that not only did I remember them, but that I'd come over and say "hi."
Even with my paltry Japanese, I can't even express how gratifying it was to hear one girl talk with her friend [in Japanese] after I'd briefly visited with them - "Hey, he really remembered us! That was cool! Yeah!"
Just spending a few moments to say "Hi. Long time no see! What high school are you at? Do you like it? Is it hard? How have you been?" and letting them know that YES, OF COURSE I remember you. And you mattered to me. And it was really good to have known you. THAT's the JET Programme, I think. Really. Not the whole English teaching part. [Though that's good too.]
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Hey look! It's my entire childhood!
The vice-versa is equally applicable.
Who me? Emotionally scarred? Pshaw, I say. Why do you ask?
Via PostSecret
Friday, November 21, 2008
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Training 214/BFL 67.
20m cardio [shadowboxing]/5 meals/2.6L water
Frustration... the only answer to frustration, today anyways, is consistency. That is all.
Frustration... the only answer to frustration, today anyways, is consistency. That is all.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Mandatory wastes of my time.
So today was a good day. Kind of surprisingly. Three 3rd grade classes where even the yanki kids were pleasantly, affably and cheerfully yanki. Instead of their standard angsty and disruptive yanki. Which just made today an altogether marked contrast to yesterday...
But first, to help explain... in the Marines, way back in the dark ages when I served, there was... not a saying... but an understanding that the closer you were stationed to Washington DC, the more politically unpleasant and tightly wound your experience would be. East Coast Marines had it the worst, West Coast "Hollywood" Marines were a bit more loose, and those of lucky enough to serve in Hawaii... well let's just say the expressions "you're on vacation" and "not really in the military" came up more than once. So basically, closer to DC = bad, further from DC = good.
That being said, I've developed a similar theory here on the JET Programme, which roughly is this - the more interaction you have with the Prefectural Boards of Education, the more frustrated, annoyed and displeased you'll be, and the more you manage to avoid their bureaucratic nonsense, the better.
It's not a 100% consistent theory [but what is?] but as a rule of thumb, it works for me. And in fact, to be fair to both the hard working Japanese and gaijin who work at the various educational levels of bureaucracy here in Japan and whom, I'm sure, do their level best, it's really not them. It's the structure of bureaucracy itself. The inherent devotion to policy, regulations, process, rules and "the way things have been done" rather than an interest in logic, usefulness, efficiency and intent.
I consider myself extremely lucky, as a Municipal [instead of Prefectural] ALT on JET, I'm by default one more level removed from the highest levels of nonsense. Further, I'm extremely lucky that the local Board of Education that I work for is staffed with excellent, competent, efficient and practical minded folks. Not to mention they're just damn nice.
That being said, some nonsense just can't be avoided...
Such as... yesterday was the monthly required Municipal ALT meeting. Having to attend never fails to put me in a somewhat dispirited and foul mood. [Though, honestly, "it" doesn't put me in a bad mood, I do that to myself, regardless of how much I'd like to blame "it." Strive for a bit of intellectual honestly in your self-talk. It helps.] I just really don't enjoy going, and without fail I spend the majority of time at the meetings thinking "I would so much rather be teaching a class right now."
Why, oh why do they annoy me so?
Well... basically... to say they are *completely fucking useless* would be unecessarily harsh, probably. It would ring emotionally true, but I can't say, honestly, that they have no worth whatsoever. I have picked up some some good ideas, here and there, over the last 3 years.
It'd be more truthful to say that these regular meetings impart about 15-20 minutes of worthwhile information stretched out over about 3 hours. [And worse, next month's Mid Year Seminar takes about an hour or an hour and a half's worth of good ideas and activities and stretches it out over 2 days...] And in the amazing world of the internet age and email, that 15 or 20 minutes worth of good info could probably be filled with a one page monthly email.
The meetings strike me as something that someone thought was a good idea years ago, and may have been at that time, but it now carries on the same way due to the sheer weight of it's own momentum. Look, when the organizers of the meetings are begging ALTs to make presentations to, basically, fill time, it means you don't have to have the meetings.
I do get that for some ALTs, living in areas even more inaka than my rice field surrounded apartment, that these monthly meetings help provide a socialization factor and a chance to see other strangely faced foreigners. For some, they might need that. But I don't. As a natural introvert with a built in social support network via marriage, I just don't. And while I might sympathize/empathize [either way, the Mrs says I kinda suck at both, and she's right, I think] I don't get why I need to drag my ass to a meeting I've no interest in in order to salvage somebody else's psychological well being.
And I would agree that for folks on their first year of the JET, some kind of regular meeting is useful, though once a month would still seem quite a bit too frequent for my tastes. But I'm heading into year 4, and the things a 1st year might need to know... well, this is [at least] my 4th time hearing it. Wasting. My. Time.
Despite my negative opinion, yesterday's meeting actually got off to a good start. There was at least one presentation that I truly did enjoy and got an activity/idea from. So that was a pleasant bit of positivity. It didn't hurt that the presenter was a natural performer/educator [or if she wasn't, she'd trained herself to be damn good] whose enthusiasm was a bit contagious. In fact, that bit of presentation put me in a positive enough mood to participate a bit in the next section - a conversation about the merits of re-contracting.
As an aside, I'm not usually a participator. Not generally speaking, leastways. There was another Fukutsu JET who, years ago, at the meetings, would pull out a book at the start and stare at it until we were once more released into the wild. I tried it once, OCD reader of books that I am, but couldn't shake the feeling I was being rude to the speaker, so I stopped.
But yeah, whether or not someone should re-contract on JET... what are "good" reasons or "bad" reasons to stay in Japan... those kinds of questions strike me as things that, honestly, you have to figure out for yourself. Everybody has their own perspective, values, plans, wants and needs that'll color their decisions.
One example that comes up - yes, every damn year - is "Is it a good idea to stay in Japan for the money?" And the thing is, no one can answer that but you. IMHO, $, by itself isn't a good reason to stay, for me, but you just can't speak for anyone else. If they're in a position in their life where building up a nest egg in Japan is important to them, what with the collapsing economy [92\ to the $, as I type] well, then, it is a good reason to stay.
But the conversation even sucked me in, feeling good as I was, I pontificated uselessly on something or another about not making a decision from an unhealthy fear-based perspective, that it's a bad idea to go back because you're thinking that someone, somewhere was getting ahead of you in the rat race.
[There is no rat. There is no race. And even if there was, and you won, you'd still be a rat.]
And what did I get for my participation? An abbreviated break time, as the presentations all ended up running long.
Following the break, an admittedly useful Japanese language class, the effort which the instructor put in I do appreciate. But honestly, if I was serious about studying the language [which after three years, it would appear, that right now, I'm not], well then, I'd actually put in the study time myself.
Language classes wrap up, everything still running behind...
The next bit was about the Japanese educational system. I'd imagine again, for 1st years, it'd be useful, maybe. But if you've hit October of your 2nd year on JET and didn't know what they were telling you... well, then you haven't been paying attention or just don't care. For me, I was only clock watching as the time creeped closer and closer to quitting time.
And then! Quitting time!
But, sadly, no.
Because of their inability to maintain the schedule they put forth, I got to stay late for another presentation. Yes, it was only 15 minutes, but on top of the fact that there had only really been about 20 minutes of quality information that day anyway, the fact that I have to stay later than I was scheduled annoyed the hell out of me.
And as for the presentation... look, I don't want to be mean spirited, and I'm sure the presentation was planned with the best of intentions, but the topic was, and I kid you not, "How to Prepare for Winter/Stay Warm in the Coming Months."
That's a 20 second presentation, if you have to give it at all.
1 - Japanese buildings have no insulation.
2 - At your school, just like there's no central aircon in summer, there's no central heating in winter.
3 - Plan accordingly.
And you're done.
But I mean... seriously? Everybody there went to college, at least. And while this might be your first time out in the "real world" after college, you've lived outside the onus of your parent's watchful eyes before.
If you have to be instructed to "buy blankets," "layer," "buy a hat," and "check your whole apartment to see what you have before you buy new things" [all, I shit you not, actual advice given yesterday]... well, then, you know what? You really don't deserve to make it through the winter, and we'll dig your corpse out come spring's first thaw. Darwinian rules.
Even in the Marines, we had useless meetings. Section heads, every damn Monday morning. And if anyone above the rank of, say O-3, was there they'd drag on uselessly and forever. So, I mean, clearly, it's not solely indicative of JET.
[OTOH, when it was just the Capts, the LTs and the CWOs the meetings consisted of "Good morning. Anybody got anything? No? Have a good week. See you around the hangar." Awesomeness.]
But I swear, if the world could do just one thing like I ask it, it would be to stop letting people waste my time.
Life's too short and we all have better things to do.
[And yes, that includes ranting on blogs. So there.]
But first, to help explain... in the Marines, way back in the dark ages when I served, there was... not a saying... but an understanding that the closer you were stationed to Washington DC, the more politically unpleasant and tightly wound your experience would be. East Coast Marines had it the worst, West Coast "Hollywood" Marines were a bit more loose, and those of lucky enough to serve in Hawaii... well let's just say the expressions "you're on vacation" and "not really in the military" came up more than once. So basically, closer to DC = bad, further from DC = good.
That being said, I've developed a similar theory here on the JET Programme, which roughly is this - the more interaction you have with the Prefectural Boards of Education, the more frustrated, annoyed and displeased you'll be, and the more you manage to avoid their bureaucratic nonsense, the better.
It's not a 100% consistent theory [but what is?] but as a rule of thumb, it works for me. And in fact, to be fair to both the hard working Japanese and gaijin who work at the various educational levels of bureaucracy here in Japan and whom, I'm sure, do their level best, it's really not them. It's the structure of bureaucracy itself. The inherent devotion to policy, regulations, process, rules and "the way things have been done" rather than an interest in logic, usefulness, efficiency and intent.
I consider myself extremely lucky, as a Municipal [instead of Prefectural] ALT on JET, I'm by default one more level removed from the highest levels of nonsense. Further, I'm extremely lucky that the local Board of Education that I work for is staffed with excellent, competent, efficient and practical minded folks. Not to mention they're just damn nice.
That being said, some nonsense just can't be avoided...
Such as... yesterday was the monthly required Municipal ALT meeting. Having to attend never fails to put me in a somewhat dispirited and foul mood. [Though, honestly, "it" doesn't put me in a bad mood, I do that to myself, regardless of how much I'd like to blame "it." Strive for a bit of intellectual honestly in your self-talk. It helps.] I just really don't enjoy going, and without fail I spend the majority of time at the meetings thinking "I would so much rather be teaching a class right now."
Why, oh why do they annoy me so?
Well... basically... to say they are *completely fucking useless* would be unecessarily harsh, probably. It would ring emotionally true, but I can't say, honestly, that they have no worth whatsoever. I have picked up some some good ideas, here and there, over the last 3 years.
It'd be more truthful to say that these regular meetings impart about 15-20 minutes of worthwhile information stretched out over about 3 hours. [And worse, next month's Mid Year Seminar takes about an hour or an hour and a half's worth of good ideas and activities and stretches it out over 2 days...] And in the amazing world of the internet age and email, that 15 or 20 minutes worth of good info could probably be filled with a one page monthly email.
The meetings strike me as something that someone thought was a good idea years ago, and may have been at that time, but it now carries on the same way due to the sheer weight of it's own momentum. Look, when the organizers of the meetings are begging ALTs to make presentations to, basically, fill time, it means you don't have to have the meetings.
I do get that for some ALTs, living in areas even more inaka than my rice field surrounded apartment, that these monthly meetings help provide a socialization factor and a chance to see other strangely faced foreigners. For some, they might need that. But I don't. As a natural introvert with a built in social support network via marriage, I just don't. And while I might sympathize/empathize [either way, the Mrs says I kinda suck at both, and she's right, I think] I don't get why I need to drag my ass to a meeting I've no interest in in order to salvage somebody else's psychological well being.
And I would agree that for folks on their first year of the JET, some kind of regular meeting is useful, though once a month would still seem quite a bit too frequent for my tastes. But I'm heading into year 4, and the things a 1st year might need to know... well, this is [at least] my 4th time hearing it. Wasting. My. Time.
Despite my negative opinion, yesterday's meeting actually got off to a good start. There was at least one presentation that I truly did enjoy and got an activity/idea from. So that was a pleasant bit of positivity. It didn't hurt that the presenter was a natural performer/educator [or if she wasn't, she'd trained herself to be damn good] whose enthusiasm was a bit contagious. In fact, that bit of presentation put me in a positive enough mood to participate a bit in the next section - a conversation about the merits of re-contracting.
As an aside, I'm not usually a participator. Not generally speaking, leastways. There was another Fukutsu JET who, years ago, at the meetings, would pull out a book at the start and stare at it until we were once more released into the wild. I tried it once, OCD reader of books that I am, but couldn't shake the feeling I was being rude to the speaker, so I stopped.
But yeah, whether or not someone should re-contract on JET... what are "good" reasons or "bad" reasons to stay in Japan... those kinds of questions strike me as things that, honestly, you have to figure out for yourself. Everybody has their own perspective, values, plans, wants and needs that'll color their decisions.
One example that comes up - yes, every damn year - is "Is it a good idea to stay in Japan for the money?" And the thing is, no one can answer that but you. IMHO, $, by itself isn't a good reason to stay, for me, but you just can't speak for anyone else. If they're in a position in their life where building up a nest egg in Japan is important to them, what with the collapsing economy [92\ to the $, as I type] well, then, it is a good reason to stay.
But the conversation even sucked me in, feeling good as I was, I pontificated uselessly on something or another about not making a decision from an unhealthy fear-based perspective, that it's a bad idea to go back because you're thinking that someone, somewhere was getting ahead of you in the rat race.
[There is no rat. There is no race. And even if there was, and you won, you'd still be a rat.]
And what did I get for my participation? An abbreviated break time, as the presentations all ended up running long.
Following the break, an admittedly useful Japanese language class, the effort which the instructor put in I do appreciate. But honestly, if I was serious about studying the language [which after three years, it would appear, that right now, I'm not], well then, I'd actually put in the study time myself.
Language classes wrap up, everything still running behind...
The next bit was about the Japanese educational system. I'd imagine again, for 1st years, it'd be useful, maybe. But if you've hit October of your 2nd year on JET and didn't know what they were telling you... well, then you haven't been paying attention or just don't care. For me, I was only clock watching as the time creeped closer and closer to quitting time.
And then! Quitting time!
But, sadly, no.
Because of their inability to maintain the schedule they put forth, I got to stay late for another presentation. Yes, it was only 15 minutes, but on top of the fact that there had only really been about 20 minutes of quality information that day anyway, the fact that I have to stay later than I was scheduled annoyed the hell out of me.
And as for the presentation... look, I don't want to be mean spirited, and I'm sure the presentation was planned with the best of intentions, but the topic was, and I kid you not, "How to Prepare for Winter/Stay Warm in the Coming Months."
That's a 20 second presentation, if you have to give it at all.
1 - Japanese buildings have no insulation.
2 - At your school, just like there's no central aircon in summer, there's no central heating in winter.
3 - Plan accordingly.
And you're done.
But I mean... seriously? Everybody there went to college, at least. And while this might be your first time out in the "real world" after college, you've lived outside the onus of your parent's watchful eyes before.
If you have to be instructed to "buy blankets," "layer," "buy a hat," and "check your whole apartment to see what you have before you buy new things" [all, I shit you not, actual advice given yesterday]... well, then, you know what? You really don't deserve to make it through the winter, and we'll dig your corpse out come spring's first thaw. Darwinian rules.
Even in the Marines, we had useless meetings. Section heads, every damn Monday morning. And if anyone above the rank of, say O-3, was there they'd drag on uselessly and forever. So, I mean, clearly, it's not solely indicative of JET.
[OTOH, when it was just the Capts, the LTs and the CWOs the meetings consisted of "Good morning. Anybody got anything? No? Have a good week. See you around the hangar." Awesomeness.]
But I swear, if the world could do just one thing like I ask it, it would be to stop letting people waste my time.
Life's too short and we all have better things to do.
[And yes, that includes ranting on blogs. So there.]
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Breaking the Law.
Well kinda. Maybe. If the law means regulatory, bureaucratic stuff that may or may not even exist.
Anyways, it's oft repeated hububb on JET that we, as scary foreign ALTs aren't ever supposed to be left alone in the classroom. That there's always supposed to be an officially licensed/hired teacher in the classroom. Whether or not that's actually the case, who knows? But that's what "they" say. And even in Elementary school, in those classes where the homeroom teacher may do little but sit in the corner and grade papers, they're still there. I have started off classes though, when teachers were running late or whatnot, but they were always enroute.
But today the retinue of English teachers at my Jr High fell from 3 1/2 [yes, I only count myself as half a teacher] to only 1 1/2. One was off on a shutcho [business trip] and the other was attending her daughter's yochien [kindergarten] field trip.
So yesterday the teacher off on her daughter's field trip asked if I could cover one of the classes... dum, dum, dum!... on my own.
No problemo.
Lending itself to the ease of the class and my outstanding savoir faire was a couple things... the first being that the teacher who was off with her daughter is starting her pregnancy leave next week, and we've already reached the "hand off" point she wanted to get to for the next teacher. So no new grammar points or info needed to be taught. My Japanese ability remains completely inadequate to that sort of task. The second being, the class of second graders I had was a good group of kids, with nary a yanki bastard in sight. [The second graders overall are a really good group of kids. One or two are flirting with yanki-ness, but it looks like they're gonna make it out of their 2nd grade/"year to screw off" with no problems...]
[Btw, in case of any confusion Yankee - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia:
So, yeah, piece of cake. Today became "Big Vocabulary Review" day. Once the kids got over their shock and surprise - "Eeeeeeeeeh? Hitori dake?" - and their cheers that no other teacher was coming - kinda uncomfortable recognizing their dislike of one of the teachers who didn't come - the class knocked out without a hitch.
5-10 minutes with the standard line game warm up, about 15 minutes of board race spelling and definition review games and then 15 minutes on a 40+ word find worksheet. [I still can't get over the laser like focus even the least apt students puts into these. They work even in elementary school.]
So, success. And all that kinda thing. Honestly, I did dig on the feeling of working "without a net" so to speak. Even though conditions were pretty ideal.
And whether the whole "can't be in a class alone" is true, who knows? I doubt I'd have been asked to cover if it was such an out of bounds thing to do. Shoot, even the Principal happened to walk by and spent some time checking out my awesome handout. Though in hindsight, maybe he was checking up on me... either way, the point of all this rumination and typing is that I am awesome. That is all.
Anyways, it's oft repeated hububb on JET that we, as scary foreign ALTs aren't ever supposed to be left alone in the classroom. That there's always supposed to be an officially licensed/hired teacher in the classroom. Whether or not that's actually the case, who knows? But that's what "they" say. And even in Elementary school, in those classes where the homeroom teacher may do little but sit in the corner and grade papers, they're still there. I have started off classes though, when teachers were running late or whatnot, but they were always enroute.
But today the retinue of English teachers at my Jr High fell from 3 1/2 [yes, I only count myself as half a teacher] to only 1 1/2. One was off on a shutcho [business trip] and the other was attending her daughter's yochien [kindergarten] field trip.
So yesterday the teacher off on her daughter's field trip asked if I could cover one of the classes... dum, dum, dum!... on my own.
No problemo.
Lending itself to the ease of the class and my outstanding savoir faire was a couple things... the first being that the teacher who was off with her daughter is starting her pregnancy leave next week, and we've already reached the "hand off" point she wanted to get to for the next teacher. So no new grammar points or info needed to be taught. My Japanese ability remains completely inadequate to that sort of task. The second being, the class of second graders I had was a good group of kids, with nary a yanki bastard in sight. [The second graders overall are a really good group of kids. One or two are flirting with yanki-ness, but it looks like they're gonna make it out of their 2nd grade/"year to screw off" with no problems...]
[Btw, in case of any confusion Yankee - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia:
"In Japan since the late 1970s, the term Yankī has been used to refer to a type of delinquent youth"]
So, yeah, piece of cake. Today became "Big Vocabulary Review" day. Once the kids got over their shock and surprise - "Eeeeeeeeeh? Hitori dake?" - and their cheers that no other teacher was coming - kinda uncomfortable recognizing their dislike of one of the teachers who didn't come - the class knocked out without a hitch.
5-10 minutes with the standard line game warm up, about 15 minutes of board race spelling and definition review games and then 15 minutes on a 40+ word find worksheet. [I still can't get over the laser like focus even the least apt students puts into these. They work even in elementary school.]
So, success. And all that kinda thing. Honestly, I did dig on the feeling of working "without a net" so to speak. Even though conditions were pretty ideal.
And whether the whole "can't be in a class alone" is true, who knows? I doubt I'd have been asked to cover if it was such an out of bounds thing to do. Shoot, even the Principal happened to walk by and spent some time checking out my awesome handout. Though in hindsight, maybe he was checking up on me... either way, the point of all this rumination and typing is that I am awesome. That is all.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)