I saw Louis CK do these bits live when he came to DC. Completely awesome.
"I'm not saying don't get married. If you meet somebody fall in love and get married. And then get divorced. Because that's the best part... Marriage is like a larva state for true happiness, which is divorce... Marriage is for how long you can hack it, but divorce just gets stronger like a piece of oak... If you're in the best marriage ever, stay in it. I'm just saying, if you got out, it would be better. It's just a fact."
This is an instant classic. It takes you to those dark areas where all the best comedy comes from.
"Of course, children who have nut allergies need to be protected... But maybe, maybe if touching a nut kills you, you're supposed to die...
Of course, if you're fighting for your country and you get shot or hurt it's a terrible tragedy. Of course. Of course. But maybe, maybe, if you pick up a gun and go to another country, and you get shot, it's not that weird. Maybe if you get shot by the dude you were just shooting at, it's a tiny bit your fault...
Of course, of course slavery is the worst thing that ever happened... but maybe, maybe every incredible human achievement in history was done with slaves. Every single thing where you go "How did they [do that]? ...They just threw human death and suffering at them until they were finished."
This clip didn't have the one I remembered best from DC - "Of course the Make-A-Wish Foundation for terminally ill children is a wonderful thing... But maybe, maybe, giving a beautiful memory to a kid who's gonna be dead in a week is a waste of time."
The Boston Marathon Bombing: Keep Calm and Carry On - Bruce Schneier - The Atlantic: "As the details about the bombings in Boston unfold, it'd be easy to be scared. It'd be easy to feel powerless and demand that our elected leaders do something -- anything -- to keep us safe. It'd be easy, but it'd be wrong. We need to be angry and empathize with the victims without being scared. Our fears would play right into the perpetrators' hands -- and magnify the power of their victory for whichever goals whatever group behind this, still to be uncovered, has. We don't have to be scared, and we're not powerless. We actually have all the power here, and there's one thing we can do to render terrorism ineffective: Refuse to be terrorized."
These are good/details at the link - 10 Psychological Hurdles Keeping You From Losing Weight (and How to Overcome Them) | Mark's Daily Apple:
"You’ve Developed Poor Habits
You’re Afraid of Being a Social Pariah
You Still Fear Fat
You Eat for Comfort
You’re Stuck on What Worked at First Even Though It’s Not Working Anymore
You Think “Why Even Bother?”
You’re Embarrassed to Go to the Gym
You Think in Black and White/All or Nothing
You’re Depressed
You’re Constantly Comparing Yourself to Others"
CISPA: Congress wants to create unlimited Internet spying powers - KILL THIS BILL! KILL IT WITH FIRE! - Boing Boing: "CISPA is the latest Congressional proposal to do something unbelievably horrible with the Internet -- this time, it's letting US law enforcement and intelligence service raid all of your data, all the time, without letting you know, regardless of your service provider's privacy policy, in the name of preventing "cyberattacks," whatever they are."
Take action on CISPA here: CISPA is Back. - Take Action Now: "Send a message to your representatives asking them to oppose this dangerous bill."
"He's sleeping."
"Friends Accept Me As I Am
Friends care about you and have your best interests in mind. This can be, but is not necessarily, synonymous with accepting you as you are. Also, since humans are dynamic beings, what you are changes over time and not necessarily in a good way. A true friend will not simply accept your incipient descent into depravity and depression because that is who you are, he will attempt to arrest it. Accepting you as you are is an excuse for inaction and indicative of indifference, not friendship. And substantive and legitimate criticism is one of the greatest gifts a friend can give you; who else cares enough to be honest with you?"
Oops.
‘Other Wife’ Found On Facebook: First Wife Discovers Bigamist Husband Alan O’Neill On Facebook: "A Washington woman inadvertently discovered that her husband had a second wife, when an automated Facebook pop up suggested that the two women become “friends” on the social media network."
A Never-Ending Game of Cat and Mouse - Reason.com: "Before the Revolution, the British imposed tariffs, quotas, and regulations on the American people, not to serve the colonists’ interests but to enrich the English. But enforcing these policies proved much harder than the authorities expected, as resilient Americans circumvented the laws. America, in short, has long been a land of smugglers. Peter Andreas’ fantastic book Smuggler Nation goes so far as to say that smuggling has shaped the country’s identity and defined its essence. Where there’s demand, there’s profit; where there’s profit, there’s supply; and when the law restricts supply, there will be smugglers."
Well, thank god.
Effort to criminalise oral sex fails - Boing Boing: "A homophobic politician's attempt to recriminalize anal and oral sex has ended in failure in Virginia. Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli wanted to revive the state's “Crimes against Nature” statute; the Fourth Court unanimously blew him off."
Goals, Weight Loss, and Motivation: "“Why am I not achieving my goals?” So there it is, the million dollar question. Believe me, as a trainer, there isn’t anything more frustrating than training someone who is progressing slowly...
Let’s talk about the other goal that most Americans have: to lose weight. This is another one that doesn’t tell the whole story. More importantly than weight is body fat. If you lose your body fat, you’re left with lean muscle. I assure you that if you’re walking around with mostly muscle, you will look and feel like muscle, which will make you forget about what your weight is...
So why aren’t you achieving your goals? Maybe you can tell me the answer, but no matter what your answer is, it is always the same answer—you haven’t yet committed yourself to them."
Karen De Coster » Fear, Paranoia, and Prayer in Government Schools: "The fundamentalists can’t let go of the fact that personal and voluntary prayer to one’s God is not compatible with a compulsory and despotic government school system that suppresses individuality in order to indoctrinate children collectively. And these schools that formerly embraced God are the same schools that have always promoted the worship of the state, its flag, its wars, its military superiority, and American exceptionalism, all while paying lip service to the tenets of diversity and political correctness."
When, And Why, to Call a Bombing 'Terrorism' | Danger Room | Wired.com: "Not every bombing, no matter how many civilians are killed or how terrifying it is, is terrorism. The Boston Marathon atrocity on Monday afternoon may qualify or it may not. Since the discourse around terrorism in the U.S. is an exceptionally fraught one, here’s how to think through the issue. Terrorism is not just violence aimed at civilians. Terrorism is violence aimed at civilians with a political objective — most often, designed to cause a spectacle. The Boston Marathon attack brought violence against civilians: three are dead and over 150 injured, several critically. The bombs were placed near the marathon’s finish line at Copley Square, where banks of video cameras and spectator smartphone caught the race’s end, so it’s safe to say it caused a spectacle. We don’t yet know whether it carried a political objective, and that’s the crucial criterion."
Petty bureaucrats jumped up on their own trivial authority = what's generally wrong with the world.
"First of all, the new trees cannot go where the old ones were, because those were within five feet of the road and the city does not allow trees to be within five feet of the road. Yes, that’s right: the trees he is angry I removed without permission were in a place the city does not allow trees to be. The trees need to be one of several species that are between 50 and 100 feet tall, and must be – I s**t you not – fully mature at the time of installation. Further, they each need to be at least twenty feet from any other tree. Because of the yard layout and existing trees, we cannot put in any trees that will be 20 feet from other trees unless we remove some existing trees first – which, as I now know, I will need a permit in order to do...
A review of city code has revealed that almost none of this is per written regulation. Portland ordinance only allows for fines of $1,000 per tree, and the species the inspector insists we use are specifically cited as recommendations; there actually is no requirement for species when replacing trees at the city’s demand. Also, written regulations state that replacement trees can go anywhere on my property, not just a small area where the inspector demands they be put...
And of course, this kicker: once the trees are in place and the city gives its final approval, it reserves the right to still fine me all of the money it was going to fine me in the first place. This weekend we hired an arborist to come out and review the options. According to him, if he plants the species of tree the inspector is insisting upon in the area we’re being told to do so, the trees will either not survive or their roots will choke out the existing trees and may even eventually damage the street. He suggested a few other species better suited for the space requirements. I forwarded these concerns and recommendations to the city inspector. He doesn’t really care what the arborist says; we need to do it his way...
I have no idea exactly how this is all going to play out, but I do know this: by the time this is over, I am going to have spent a lot of time and money for taking down two dead trees that were in a place the city didn’t want them to begin with."
All the cool kids wear the toe shoes.
The best is "Hello Japan!" but the Heath Herring KO is a classic.
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