texts from last night:
"Remember that text you shouldn't have sent last night? We do.
[Excerpts from the "best nights"]
(843): Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
(703): Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
(312): I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
(919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
(909): I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
(843): the red head has a bf
(1-843): just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
(215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
(775): before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
(410): can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
(443): wasted?
(410): im pocohantasssss
(512): i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
(910): wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
(910): IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
(303): I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
(720): o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
(971): I have two black x marks on my hands.
(503): Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
(971): damnit I wish I could remember that.
(617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
(508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
(724): also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
(347): I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
(847): i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
(202): therell be strippers and coke right?
(703): no strippers. just coke.
(202): i hate this fuckin recession
(315): he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
(607): what a beautiful fairy tale
(303): Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
(321): Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
(1-321): he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
(321): no his phone, idiot.
(847): So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
(226): forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
(703): fucking a dude
(703): i mean: fucking a, dude
(703): wow, that comma made all the difference there
[and from the worst nights]
(310): ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
(404): Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
(1-404): Two?
(404): Two.
(902): and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
(216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
(440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
(216): Holy shit r u serious? How?
(440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
(603): not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
(443): So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
(612): I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
(360): two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
(206): only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
(925): Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
(775): Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
(504): Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera. "
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