THEY. ARE. JUST. WORDS.

Verily I say thusly onto you. Wisdom.

You Are So F--ing Obscene / The president says it, you say it, your kids say it all the time. So what's the f--ing problem?:

"A New York appeals court just told Bush's hard-line FCC that they are, in essence, a bunch of simpleminded out-of-touch dweebmonkeys and that the TV networks, while morally vacant in nearly every way imaginable, still cannot be held to such impossible standards when such juicy curse words are a common element of everyday speech, including that of President 'Stop This S--' Bush and Dick 'Go F-- Yourself' Cheney and just about every other being anywhere, with the possible exception of the ghost of my late grandmother.

'We are sympathetic to the networks' contention that the FCC's indecency test is undefined, indiscernible, inconsistent and consequently unconstitutionally vague,' Judge Rosemary Pooler wrote in a delicious smackdown, a decision that also called the FCC's obscenity rules 'divorced from reality,' a perfect kicker that promptly induced Kevin Martin to whine uncontrollably.

'It is the New York court, not the commission, that is divorced from reality,' he puled. 'Boogerbooger wabba, jerkface thhhbbbppptt!' he did not spittle, his face turning bright red as he hopped on his Big Wheel and pedaled away furiously.

Ahh, obscenity. Here is where you may want to jump in and play devil's advocate and argue that, while swearing may be delightful amounts of everyday fun, mature discourse doesn't actually require such language. And sure enough, you can go through your entire life and never utter a single curse word...

But maybe that's beside the point. Because as far as Bush's God-spanked FCC is concerned, it is, always and forever, all about protecting the children. Or rather, it is all about protecting some imaginary Christian Everychild, some sort of perfect hypersheltered dovelike organism made of spun glass and delicate bunny hearts and little golden crucifixes, a fragile, blessed thing whose happy, unblemished life had been completely free of blood or spit or pain right up until he overheard Bono say "f--" at the Golden Globes and his precious virgin heart shattered forever.

...This, then, is the real linguistic lesson kids need to learn. When it comes to a good curse, it's all about the placement, the timing, the precise usage. After all, "f--" is a delightful power word, one I wish I could actually employ in this very column every so often without those damnable dashes that protect, well, no one."

Pics via IMDB and www.angryflower.com