"BATMAN: [thinking] 'If this is about the Joker again -- I swear...'
BATMAN sails through COMMISIONER GORDON’S open window and stands, cape encompassing body like a robe, eyes glowing as a huge looming shadow dancing on the walls of the office. He turns and faces the Commisioner.
BATMAN: 'Don’t even fucking say it. This is SO the fucking Joker again, isn’t it?'
COMMISSIONER GORDON: [embarrassed, looking at feet] 'Well...'
BATMAN: [tossing hands in the air] 'My FUCKING Christ, I knew it! You RETARD! how hard is it to keep this nut locked up? My God, do you even bother locking the doors? Here, watch—'
He crosses to front door of office, slams door loudly, makes big show of locking it.
'That’s how you lock a fucking door! [clutching temples] My Jesus, I don’t believe this shit. In the fucking rain on a Sunday, no less. The Rams are playing the Vikings as we speak. You know that, right? You’re aware that, if I had a choice, I would RATHER stay at home watching the Rams play the Vikings, instead of RUNNING AFTER A LUNATIC IN MY FUCKING UNDERWEAR, YOU FUCKING... IMBRED... RETARD?'
...BATMAN: [getting up and pacing] "Honestly, sometimes I think you morons think this is funny or something, me chasing after this reject week after week after week. Do you have any idea how much a suit like this chafes in the rain? Oh, and by the way, he’s psychotic, you know that, yeah? I go to nab the guy last week, at the—"
COMMISSIONER GORDON: "—abandoned carnival—"
BATMAN: "—abandoned carnival, thank you, THERE’S a shock, by the way — I’m a detective, you know, I deserve better than this. The fucking Hardy Boys get tougher cases than this. Anyway — I’m at the abandoned carnival, and naturally this mental-head’s made me chase him through all sorts of fucked shit — big pools of liquid Smylex gas, this big gang of guys dressed like fetish clowns, that was weird — and I finally get to him, right, and he starts telling me jokes. Jokes! I mean, what the fuck? Did he think I’d laugh? Ten seconds ago he’s pitching clown knives out of his cane at my fucking forehead, and now it’s evening at the improv and I’m supposed to be all appreciative and clapping."
GORDON: "That’s pretty odd, yeah."
BATMAN: "Oh, did you think so? That’s funny, I don’t remember seeing you there. No, for some reason I only see you AFTER I arrest these lunatics, isn’t that funny? Yeah, that’s odd. Anyway…" [big sigh] "Fuckity fuck fuck FUCK. Okay, I’m off to the abandoned amusement park for the ten millionth time. This should be interesting. I hope he’s wearing pants this time. Shit, remember last June? I couldn’t even cuff him I was so grossed out."
BATMAN: "Fuck. Okay, I’m going. Fuck."
Batman’s cape swirls, enveloping all light in the room as he moves, spectre-like to the window frame, leaping out of it, becoming invisible in the rain and low-flying clouds.
BATMAN: "Fuck." "
Friday, December 09, 2005
If Batman were real...