10/18 - squats, split squats, walking lunges, calf press, leg xt, calf raise - 420 total reps/because of reasons
"I will not care what anyone else can do; it affects me not.
For a long time, I sat and looked at the computer screen at those words, and I thought about what to write. That I could write about all the years that I spent hating who I was, or better yet, who I wasn't. I could write about how I never felt like anything that I accomplished never meant anything or that I never measured up to anyone. I wanted to do something that defined me. That made people admire me, or at least, admire that thing that I did. "Fuck yeah, I need that. I want that more than anything. The admiration of my peers and my family. That will mean I'm worth something. Something I do that is remarkable, something worth bragging about." I could write about that. Or, I could write about how I hated other people who did things that I wanted to be able to do. That I hated sometimes when they received the adoration of their superiors and peers. Not all the time, mind you. Just when it was something I too wanted to be good at. "Fuck that asshole. I hope a dog-man runs out of the god damn woods, full of aids and hate, and bites him in his asshole and tears his kidney out through it! DIE DIE DIE!!!!" Ok so that's not really true. I know that dog-mans can't have AIDS. Maybe my hate wasn't really THAT venomous either. But I do remember feeling awfully shitty about myself, and feeling somewhat jealous towards said individuals for standing in shoes that I so wished to be wearing...
What I thought I'd write about instead, was how I learned how to grok not caring. Some people think that's a negative statement, or that it is stained in black, then lacquered in a coat of apathy. Hardly. Learning how to not care, eventually gave me all of the things I wanted. Because it allowed me to let my negative energy dissipate, and made me stop focusing on things that had I had zero control over, and no real meaning in my life. If some guy deadlifts 850 what does that really have to do with me? Nothing. If some other guy looks like a more jacked version of Conan, what did I lose or gain from it? Nothing. What? Motivation to get better? Motivation is fucking bullshit.
Getting better should be something you’re already about. Not something you need to be goaded into. I’m not saying some things don’t light a bigger fire under your ass than others, but if you have to seek out reasons to get better, you’re losing. Meaning, If it requires some outside force to resonate with something inside of you, you aren’t in possession of what it takes to get better all on your own. How will you CONSISTENTLY get better if it requires the dangling carrot to do make you do so? At some point you have to decide that getting better is just a part of what you are. What makes you, you. When that happens you won’t need “devices” in order to get better. It will just be something you do. If you were isolated in a room with your weights for 10 years, would you get better without the influence of external forces? I hope you can say yes to that. If not, figure out how to say yes to that."
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