Pages

Friday, August 15, 2008

Catholicism continues to be fucked/Why I love teaching in Japan.

Priests unable to make standard human contact with kids due to their history almost makes sense, till you place it in the context of a nation obsessed with and paranoid about pedophilia/scaremongering [looking right at you, Dateline] and where parents freak at any kinds of physical contact from teachers or even fellow students.

Thank god I teach in Japan, where wrestling, roughhousing, horseplay and generally acting like playful human beings and kids doesn't rate a second look. Hell, I even break the kids on occasion.

Newsflash, human beings are fancy monkey primates, and touch/grooming/playfulness and contact is part of who we are. When kids and people don't get that, that's when they turn all dysfunctional and unhealthy.

New rules for priests / No more piggyback rides, hugging, tickling. And that goes for the kids, too:
"The Archdiocese of Cincinnati has issued a detailed list of inappropriate behaviors for priests, saying they should not kiss, tickle or wrestle children. The archdiocese's Decree on Child Protection also prohibits bear hugs, lap-sitting and piggyback rides. But it says priests may still shake children's hands, pat them on the back and give high-fives. — Associated Press

# The archdiocese of Boston, notorious in the past decade as the most pedophilic and scandal-plagued of all, having currently paid out over $136 million to more than 1,000 victims of sexual abuse, has quietly issued strict new guidelines for all its remaining pastors.

The Decree on Creepy Overlong Stares states that, in the rare instances when a Boston-area priest must look straight into the eyes of a child, said pastor must first don a pair of specially designed sunglasses, the lenses of which have been coated in a compound harvested from the sweat glands of ascetic eunuchs who live deep in the Catacombs of Agony just beneath Vatican City. The active ingredient of the special compound reportedly dims the bright light of a child's tantalizing innocence, thus making the youth appear just as old and soiled and sinful as, well, everyone else.

# Taking a cue from Mormon tradition, the Archdiocese of Los Angeles has issued a new Dictum on Appropriate Underclothing, which now commands that all its priests must wear, as a means to "thwart all untoward urges," an elaborate tight-fitting leather harness system involving multiple snaps, metal rings, nickel-plated buckles and "cool whippy things."

When informed by a reporter that this kind of rigging is actually considered a delightful sadomasochistic sexual fetish favored in the Castro District of San Francisco and also in many Senate chambers and much of rural Texas, a representative of the archdiocese replied, "Bzzbzzbzz! What's that? I'm sorry, you're breaking up. I must be in a tunnel or something. Can you call back later?" as much giggling was heard in the background...

# In an unusual move, the New York Archdiocese, famous for recently publishing an anti-pedophile coloring book for children in which smiling priests are depicted as being blocked from coming anywhere near totally cute altar boys by teams of female angels who presumably have said priest's naughty bits in a vice, has officially barred all tantalizing sexual beings from coming within a six-block radius of church property during the priests' most vulnerable hours.

This period, known as the "Dark Hour of the Multiple Heavy Sighs," normally falls somewhere after supper but just before "America's Next Top Model," and is apparently a time when many priests can be found alone in the back of the church, flipping through back issues of Martha Stewart Living and cruising MySpace as they question their life choices and wonder what it would've been like to have followed their original dream of moving to Costa Rica and opening a vegan cafe/pot farm and dating young beautiful surfer boys with long wavy hair who just so happen to look, not at all ironically, exactly like Jesus..."

No comments:

Post a Comment