"Matthew McConaughey Explains That He Forgot His Friend's Dr. Pepper"

Via the urbanely humorous McSweeney's.

Timothy McSweeney's Internet Tendency: Short Imagined Monologues:

"Rich. My friend. Mi amigo. I must, say at this moment. That I—have forgotten your soda.

This is not a story of hardship. This is a story of loss; it is a story of remorse. You may ask yourself, was the weight of the responsibility of picking up Wendy's in time for Heroes a burden on my shoulders? Or was the responsibility of picking up Wendy's a weight for us all? I did not know if it would be a weight. I believe this was not a weight. Everyone had their heads and hearts in the right place. I went through the drive-through purely... All right.

...In the beginning, I began to tell this story. You, El Rio, were a little wary of the story I was about to tell. I heard some words. I heard "dick," and I heard "you dumb-ass." In fact, I heard that twice. But we opened the bag together and we will share the Frescatta Italiana as well as my Big Bacon Classic.

...All right.

I discovered in myself, Richard, that the true path to enlightenment begins with the first look in the mirror. Yeah. That path being that I cannot return to the Wendy's on Gilmer and recoup the loss of your Dr. Pepper in time for the first commerical break. Neither in mind nor in body. This will give you a resonance that says, "My thirst is unquenched. And it is good."

...All right, all right."