Jokes Made by Robots, for Robots.

Via McSweeneys:

BY J. ALEX BOYD

"Waiter! Waiter! What's this robot doing in my soup?"
"It looks like he's performing human tasks twice as well, because he knows no fear or pain."

Knock knock.
Who's there?
A robot.
Oh, shit.

What's a robot's favorite cereal?
Rob-os. (Note: Rob-os are made of the tears of human children.)

Little Susie tosses a clock out the window. A robot inquires, "Why did you do that?" She replies, "I wanted to see time fly!" The robot says, "Ah ... A perfect subject for elimination," and shoots her with a laser beam through the face.

Why did the robot order a milkshake?
To blend in with the general human population, making it easier to infiltrate society and—in time—conquer it.

More at the link.

Places people will soon move to...

Wired:

In California, voters in Santa Barbara, Santa Cruz, and Santa Monica approved local measures making marijuana possession the lowest law enforcement priority in their cities. Voters in Missoula, Montana and Eureka Springs, Arkansas approved similar measures.

Reminds me of somebody I used to know...

Via Wired: Oh, the (Lack of) Humanity

Slipped a homeless guy a buck the other day. After he mumbled off down the street, my companion sniffed her disapproval: "It only encourages them, you know. And he'll just use it for drugs or alcohol."

I had looked him squarely in his gimlet eye. I could smell his breath. Safe to say she was right.

"Who the hell cares what he uses it for?" I said. "If it kills the pain for a few hours, I'm happy to help."

The do-gooders call this "enabling" and in their simple, black-and-white world this can do the poor street addict nothing but harm. I'll agree it does him little good. But in the moment it took me to fish a dollar from my pocket, press it into his dirty hand and wish him luck, I connected with him, one human being to another.

I'd suggest that's more helpful than stepping over the guy like he's a piece of garbage, or lecturing him about the importance of personal responsibility when he asks for spare change.

God's Gonna Cut You Down

Johnny Cash

It's all so confusing.

But He Does Have a Really Hot 12-Year-Old Niece

Meat clerk: So, Mitch*, how old is your daughter?
Mitch*: Nineteen. Why, you wanna fuck her? She's a whore. Joe* already fucked her.
Joe*: He doesn't have a daughter.

Supermarket
Buffalo, New York

Overheard by: Fishmonger

via Overheard in the Office, Nov 9, 2006

This was kinda awesome.

Free Hugs

“I think it is dangerous to confuse the idea of democracy with elections” - Indian novelist, Arundhati Roy

Via Z Mag/Mickey Z:

...Questioning America’s status as a democracy is typically considered nothing short of blasphemy in polite circles, but if this month’s elections are so fair and free, why are there so many questions about how votes are ultimately counted?

...on a more practical level, have you ever wondered why the voting is held on a Tuesday instead of over a full weekend? Turnout is bound to be higher over a FridaySaturday-Sunday period. Also, a “none of the above” option would not only allow disgruntled voters to express their disdain with the alleged two-party system but also might create a run-off election or even a new set of candidates.

...In the end, of course, terms like “democracy” mean far less than the actions performed in their name. Mahatma Gandhi asked: “What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty or democracy?"

How would Superheroes vote?

Hilarious.

From Dave's Long Box -

So, in an effort to piss off readers of all political persuasions, here then is the breakdown...

SUPERMAN – MODERATE REPUBLICAN

Small town values and big city pragmatism inform Superman’s middle-of-the-road political beliefs... Hey, Superman, it doesn’t matter if you cry after executing some Kryptonian criminals – you’re still pro-death penalty.

WONDER WOMAN – SOCIALIST

Wonder Woman was raised in an all-female society, a monarchist utopia with strong socialist overtones and plenty of hot girl-on-girl action. Wonder Woman came to “Patriarch’s World” with a clear liberal agenda but a willingness to crack skulls if need be. She’s heavily into social justice, environmental issues, and sisterhood. Wonder Woman is not beyond sticking a high-heeled red boot up your ass if you get in the way of her Sapphic Socialism.

GREEN ARROW – TOTAL FUCKING COMMUNIST

Green Arrow is a loose cannon, politically speaking. He’s somewhere to the left of Alec Baldwin on the political spectrum and he’s armed to the teeth with those crazy-ass arrows of his. Green Arrow is an unapologetic leftist. He's always bitching about how the Justice League are a bunch of fascists and railing against “The Man.” He’s soft on drugs – his sidekick Speedy was a frickin’ junkie! An advocate of redistribution of wealth and his own pinko version of justice, this modern day Robin Hood wants to take your hard-earned money and give it to some soup kitchen or something. Go smoke another joint, hippy!

GREEN LANTERN – REPUBLICAN

...A former test pilot and current galactic police officer, Green Lantern has always been a running dog for The Man. Dude carries a WMD on his ring finger and flies around reshaping reality according to his idea of The Way Things Should Be. Total neocon. (I am so getting hate email for this.)

BATMAN – INDEPENDENT

Batman is a true independent, a man of solid principles and baffling contradictions. This may be because he is mentally ill. Batman has an almost paranoid distrust of government institutions, yet believes in the rule of law. He’s an urban vigilante, yet he’s a proponent of gun control. Batman is anti-death penalty to a fault – how many times has he had to capture the mass-murdering Joker and return him to Arkham Asylum instead of the electric chair? Contradictions be damned. Batman follows his own moral compass, and Batman is always right. When Batman votes, he weighs all the options and chooses the best person for the job, regardless of party affiliation or whether they are actually running for office. In other words, he writes-in BATMAN on every ballot.

DAREDEVIL– FAR-LEFT DEMOCRAT

Let’s see: Rich, highly-educated skirt-chasing Manhattan defense attorney. Total liberal. Enjoy that Streisand concert, Daredevil.

THE HULK – LIBERTARIAN

"Hulk just want to be left alone.”

More at the link...

"If I don't vote I can't complain" and other goofiness.

Via Scott Adams and the DilbertBlog: The Stuff in My Head

I remember one day in sixth grade, our teacher asked us to go to the blackboard, one at a time, and write down something we would be willing to die for... When my turn came, I wrote “my country” and apparently this was the right answer. He praised me in front of the class. He also would have accepted freedom and democracy.

So how did a 12-year old know he should die for his country? That stuff gets in your head early, way before your critical reasoning capacity is in place. And it stays there... I think the environment puts it there, thanks to 900 recitations of the Pledge of Allegiance and whatnot...

I’m not complaining. I’m glad that kids are being brainwashed to die for me. But it has become a hobby of mine to identify the ideas that got into our heads before our critical reasoning came together. Obviously if you have the same religion or political preferences as your parents, that’s a red flag. Or as you might say, “I agree with my parents because they were right.” But my favorite example, and the cleanest, can be seen in the comments on this blog for the past week. Many of you said, in essence, “No matter how ignorant you are, you have a responsibility to vote,” and its dumber cousin “If you don’t vote, you don’t have a right to complain.”

It doesn’t take much critical reasoning to shred those ideas. I’m fairly certain we have the right to complain any time we want. It’s called Freedom of Speech. And we certainly have the right to NOT vote for any reason we want. Being ignorant has to be in the short list of good reasons for not voting. But this flies in the face of whatever you were brainwashed into believing when you were a kid.

Again I remind you that I’m in favor of this sort of brainwashing for the sake of society. I’m happy that lots of people vote. The system would break down otherwise, and short of me being the dictator, I can’t think of a better system than imaginary democracy masking the naked ambitions of greedy capitalists. It sounds bad when you say it, but frankly I don’t have a better idea. I’m just happy I have a chance to be one of those greedy capitalists myself...

"A misspent life is a life best spent. At least you have stories." - Fred Reed

No kidding.

I am so shocked I may catch the vapors. Via MSNBC:

Teen sex increased after abstinence program.
Texas study finds little impact on sexual behavior
Abstinence-only sex education programs, a major plank in President George W. Bush’s education plan, have had no impact on teenagers’ behavior in his home state of Texas, according to a new study.

Despite taking courses emphasizing abstinence-only themes, teenagers in 29 high schools became increasingly sexually active, mirroring the overall state trends, according to the study conducted by researchers at Texas A&M University.

We didn’t see any strong indications that these programs were having an impact in the direction desired,” said Dr. Buzz Pruitt, who directed the study.

"I'd let the Republicans keep the House and Senate if we could vote for having the words FAKE CHRISTIAN tattooed to Bush's forehead." - Patton Oswalt

How Stalin-esque.

See, they hate us for our freedoms.

Via Digby:

This disturbing notice on Slashdot comes via Sara Robinson at Orcinus:

The U.S. Department of Homeland Security has proposed a system which will in essence make it mandatory for you to have permission before leaving or entering the country, effectively putting everyone on a no-fly list unless the government says otherwise. Interestingly, the proposal does not seem to cover personal travel, only that on some sort of carrier like an airline or cruise vessel. One would think that passports would be enough for a free government to regulate travel abroad by its citizens. But no, issuing passports doesn't have enough goose-stepping zip and pizazz for the Bushites. Passports are subject to public checks and balance And that, we just can't have; it would be too easy for someone to learn whether Bush is abusing them.

...Okay, let's not jump to any conclusions that fascist tendencies, and only fascist tendencies, are behind such a proposal. We need to put this into context.

Something like 1/3 to 1/2 of all Congresscritters don't have passports. Not only that, but Crawford's Own Messiah had visited only Mexico, China, and Israel before he moved into the White House.

In short, for a huge chunk of the highest levels of government, the world stops at the US border. It is barely an exaggeration to characterize the worldview of such incurious, fearful know-nothings as one which sees the un-United States as a dark, fetid place which has no value except as a source for oil. Oil, which unfortunately, comes with a host of undifferentiated brown-skinnned pests that have to be cleared out of the way, by one means or another.

In other words, the notion that anyone must travel outside the United States is a concept that a huge number of extremely influential American leaders have a lot of trouble wrapping their minds - such as they are - around. So what's the big deal if permission is denied without reason?

As for wanting to travel abroad...why on earth would you want to do that? Something wrong with the USA? You're in the best country in the world! And you want Italian, hey, we got Domino's Pizza, fine American pizza just as good as that fancy stuff they make over in Rome or Barcelona or wherever. And Domino's delivers.

So perhaps the intent behind this proposal isn't entirely un-American and tyrannical. Maybe they're also dumb as posts as well. After all, the Bush Administration seems to have an infinite supply of people who are unfailingly stupid, ignorant, arrogant, and indifferent to the world beyond the gates of their exclusive communities.

Witness the Strength of the Kung Fu Monkey.

Via, of course, Kung Fu Monkey. I Still Miss Republicans:

...Listen, we've all had the questionable hook-up. We get it. Bush didn't seem at all crazy when you met him at the club. And sure you dabbled in faith-based stuff, and maybe his foreign policy was a little naive, but come on -- sexy, sexy tax cuts.

But then things got out of control, and kinkier and kinkier and next thing you know you're in a war with no occupation planning and no exit strategy and being told that's okay and back off; and people are being tortured, and then not allowed to talk to their lawyers because they might reveal the secrets of their torture; and the one dude who had oversight on the corruption in the war is fired in secret; and you have record deficits and record spending and Congress meeting over Terry Schiavo and warrantless wiretaps and faith-based anti-science and the end of separation of Church and State and troop families in food banks and the most venal Congress in history and Abramoff and K Street and Young Republican college students in charge of Iraqui reconstruction and fucking HORSE LAWYERS IN CHARGE OF FEMA and bing bang boom you got a whole American city, just lying there dead, no explanations, no excuses, just stunned at how the hell you got here. Exactly like our questionable hook-ups, just substitute "waitress in Provost" for "New Orleans" and "all that vodka and blow" for "Hurricane Katrina" --

But let's not get distracted. Point is -- questionable hook-ups. We, as ordinary citizens, all know how we get out of this: you stop returning the crazy person's calls...

Don't return their calls on Tuesday. It'll suck for a while, and they may bomb Iran to get your attention, and you'll get lots of screaming and crying about how they're the only ones who love you and can protect you from Osama and the gays, but you dig in, man up, come over and watch a few baseball games,and ride it out. You'll probably have to hang tough through 2008, when they have that fake rehab "No baby, I'm okay now, come with me to group" bullshit going on. Don't fall for it. Cra. zy.