Comb-me quickly; don't put me so much pomatum...

Great wisdom, that.

From "English as She is Spoke" (1883), according to BoingBoing:

"...the worst English phrasebook ever produced. Its author, a Portuguese speaker, did not speak English. Rather, he took the a French-English phrasebook and a Portuguese-French phrasebook and translated the former using the latter."

From the book:

"Your razors, are them well?
Yes, Sir.
Comb-me quickly; don't put me so much pomatum. What news tell me? all hairs dresser are newsmonger.
Sir, I have no heared any thing."