Today's Internets.

Well, the last couple days, actually.  Catching up.

Overweening Generalist: On (Some) "Educated" Liberals and Their Knee-Jerk Dogma Over "Conspiracy Theories": "Robert Anton Wilson, still to my mind the greatest thinker about conspiracy theory I've ever read, once said in an interview with Philip H. Farber in 1997, "I am one hundred percent in favor of studying conspiracy theories because, next to quantum mechanics, they represent the best test of how well you can handle ambiguity and uncertainty."  ...Their minds are closed about Sandy Hook (some really good reporting by Salon writers on the heinous a-holes fomenting conspiracies that a lot of it was faked so Obama could crack down/take away guns), Salon is also officially closed about 9/11, and I'd just guess also: the JFK/RFK/MLK hits, the Tuskegee Syphilis Experiments, the Reichstag fire, Gulf of Tonkin, that J. Edgar knew about Pearl Harbor before it occurred and FDR may have also, how the CIA tried to kill Castro, Watergate, Nayirah, Operation Northwoods, MK-ULTRA, Project Paperclip, and that the CIA was involved with the Contras and cocaine trafficking. Such conspiracy theorists and their lowbrow ideation! My word and land o-goshen! Whatever has happened to our educational system! 'Tis a cryin' shame, just a shame!"

Tag Team Reader Mailbag: « delicioustacos: "“As a non-drinker, I encountered an absolutely galling situation…” As a paraplegic, I’ve noticed my 100 meter time is behind that of my competitors…. As an elderly blind woman, I’ve noticed my MMA career is not progressing as I’d hoped… As an Earthworm, I’ve noticed my road to the Presidency of the United States has been unusually difficult… Why don’t you drink alcohol?  Are you religious?  God does not exist.  Drink alcohol.  Family history of alcohol abuse?  They abused it for a reason: it’s awesome.  Drink alcohol.  Afraid of damaging your organs and blunting your wits?  A healthy liver and the ability to recall who played The Beastmaster are no reasons to go through life miserable."

Entitled to Sabotage | Mark's Daily Apple: "How many people justify bad eating habits because they tell themselves they deserve the treat? “Can’t I just enjoy a little pleasure in life?” “Aren’t I entitled?” Sometimes it takes on context. “With all I put up with…” “Why can’t I just have this one thing?” “This is the one thing I do for myself.” Treating ourselves. When the noun morphs into the verb, there’s a subtle but significant distinction. Treating ourselves invites us to step outside our normal life for the promise of something of sweeter – and “better.” On occasion, it can be a lighthearted dalliance. For too many people, however, it becomes a continual path of self-sabotage. We all want to believe we deserve more, deserve better than what we come to feel is the mundane. Advertisers leap on this low hanging psychological fruit."

Netflix original series 'House of Cards' could change TV - WTOP.com: "Now, it's the new series "House of Cards," starring Kevin Spacey ("The Usual Suspects") as House Majority Whip Francis Underwood, a manipulative politician who will do whatever it takes to become President of the United States. The real novelty of "House of Cards" is its place as the first original series by Netflix, the online video rental and streaming service that's now throwing its hat in the ring as a bona fide content creator."


LA Archbishop Relieves Retired Cardinal of Duties - ABC News: "Cardinal Roger Mahony, who retired with a tainted career after dodging criminal charges over how he handled pedophile priests, was stripped of duties by his successor as a judge ordered confidential church personnel files released. The unprecedented move by Archbishop Jose Gomez came less than two weeks after other long-secret priest personnel records showed how Mahony worked with top aides to protect the Roman Catholic church from the engulfing scandal."

Not Just Another Movie - By Amy Zegart | Foreign Policy: "If you're going to see Zero Dark Thirty, I'd suggest skipping the first frame and reading this instead: This film is a work of fiction that tells the story of the hunt for bin Laden from one imaginary CIA officer's perspective. Some of the events depicted are real. Many are not. You won't be able to tell the difference. Plus we made up a lot of shit about torture. We arrogantly contend that this motion picture is the first draft of history even though actual history says otherwise. But don't judge us: it's just a movie."

Shit Jobs: McDonald’s « delicioustacos: "Not one second wasted.  They will get as much out of you as possible for as little as possible, and rightly view human interaction between employees as wasteful.  This is good management.  Some companies call this “time theft,” talking to the people you work with.  They own time.  They own your life, and you are stealing it.  The value of work."

All fruit diet lands Ashton Kutcher in the hospital – The Marquee Blog - CNN.com Blogs: "“First of all, the fruitarian diet can lead to like severe issues,” Kutcher said after the “Jobs” screening at the Sundance Film Festival, via USA Today. “I went to the hospital like two days before we started shooting the movie. I was like doubled over in pain. My pancreas levels were completely out of whack.” In 2004, Jobs announced that he was being treated for pancreatic cancer."

What the what? '30 Rock' cast on their favorite show moments - CNN.com: "On changing comedy: Adsit: (The show) kind of opened the door for really dense comedy. A DVR comedy is what I would call it, in that it goes by so quickly, and all the jokes are so densely packed one on top of the other, that you almost have to rewind to catch everything. I have friends who say they watch the show but are constantly rewinding it because they're laughing through the next three jokes. So maybe we're training the world to think faster. That'll be our legacy."

Seven Myths About Obesity | DietDoctor.com: "A whole bunch of obesity experts have just published an article in The New England Journal of Medicine about myths, presumptions and facts about obesity. Surprise: I agree on all points! Some common dietitian or Weight Watcher claims are found among the myths, i.e. things that have been proven wrong. For example myths #1-3: Myth #1: Small changes in energy intake or expenditure will produce large, long-term weight changes. WRONG. Small changes in lifestyle will only produce small effects on weight. Myth #2: Setting realistic goals is important. WRONG. Setting ambitious goals will produce at least equally good results. Myth#3: An initial rapid weight loss is associated with poorer long-term results. WRONG. Rapid weight loss will produce at least equally good results. They also debunk various presumptions that are often put forward as facts, but are lacking support, for example the following: Unproven presumption #1: Regularly eating breakfast is protective against obesity. Unproven presumption #3: Eating more fruits and vegetables will result in weight loss."

One Out of Four Prisoners Worldwide is in America - Hit & Run : Reason.com: "One out of every four prisoners in the world is held in the United States.  Drug crimes are the primary cause of imprisonment on the federal level, followed closely by immigration violations and weapons offenses."

Fat Head » The Latest “Meat Kills!” Study: "This isn’t the first time these researchers dug into the data they collected for the purpose of publishing a paper.  Here’s the conclusion from another study using the same dataset titled Mortality Among British Vegetarians: The mortality of both the vegetarians and the nonvegetarians in this study is low compared with national rates. Within the study, mortality from circulatory diseases and all causes is not significantly different between vegetarians and meat eaters, but the study is not large enough to exclude small or moderate differences for specific causes of death, and more research on this topic is required."

Poor People Are Happy: "R: “You are not the first person to tell me that poor people are happy. Do you have an idea of why this is?”

SWPL: “I don’t.”

R: “It’s a self-defense mechanism.”

SWPL: “Explain.”

R: “It is inherently unfair that you have 1000 times more than another human being who, through the bad fortune of having been born in the wrong place at the wrong time, will never have a comfortable life that you take for granted, no matter how hard they work. If in your travels you were to see this and accept it for what it is, you would break down in tears at the horrible plight of many billions of people on this earth, but when you convince yourself—in fact delude yourself—into believing that poor people who live on $1 a day are happier than you, you are able to push away this realization so that your travels are uninterrupted by the cruelness of humanity, so that you can upload photos of dirt children on Facebook and receive the likes from your friends who comment on how happy the children seem to appear.”

SWPL: “I didn’t think of it that way.”

R: “If you were unable to trick yourself into thinking that hungry children are happier, how do you think that would change your travel plans?”

SWPL: “I would stop visiting poor countries, I guess.”

R: “Or you would just close your eyes to the poverty, as I have. Poverty is not your fault, but spreading the idea that poverty is happiness, or is somehow romantic, is an insult to those who are experiencing it.”

SWPL: “But I feel guilty that I have so much more than those kids.”

R: “Do you really?”

SWPL: “Yes. I wish they weren’t so poor.”

R: “How much money do you have saved up?”

SWPL: “Only $2,000. It’s my emergency fund.”

R: “Poor people live in perpetual emergency. Donate that money to a poor village. Let it go to their water and food. Do it now if you care about them!”

SWPL: “I can’t. I need it.”

R: “They need it, too.”

SWPL: “But I worked hard for it!”

R: “I thought you wished they weren’t so poor.”

SWPL: “Yeah but…”

R: “Do you still think poor people are happy?”

SWPL: “Not really.”

R: “Are you going to do anything about their plight?”

SWPL: “No.”

R: “And neither am I. Now go forth and continue your search for happiness. Work hard and pay off those student loans. Maybe soon you can afford another vacation.”"

Training.

2/2 - burpees 3x10/1x8 -- P90X+ D76 X Stretch

2/1 - burpees 5x10 -- P90X+ D75 Upper+ & Abs/Core+

1/31 - P90X+ D74 Kenpo Cardio+

Strong Angels — Impressive transformation.:

Training.

1/30 - P90X+ D73 Total Body+ -- 25m treadmill/walk -- light isometrics/relaxed stretching

ChAoS & PAIN: Dude, So and So Got SO Fucking Jacked For That Movie: Sylvester Stallone: "...the only one who's managed to stay in the type of shape we'd expect of them to be rocking is Sylvester Motherfucking Stallone.  Though most would posit that it's because he's jacking shitloads of GH and test, they do so only because they're sloppy fucking ninnies with no conception of how hard it is to get to 4% bodyfat, much less while carrying serious muscular bodyweight and at THE AGE OF 62.  In other words, anyone who talks shit on Stallone can get fucked, and might as well donate their testicles to science so that someone can get a first-hand look at the devolution of the American male...

If a 62 year old man can do it, so can fucking you.  Go lift something."

Today's Internets.

Living Freedom » Blog Archive » Enemies: "You don’t spy on millions of people, militarize your police, encourage neighbor to rat out neighbor, define thousands of innocuous activities as “domestic terrorism, conduct checkpoints and VIPR raids, lock people up without trials, kick down doors in the middle of the night, or arbitrarily deny people the freedom to travel if you’re looking for mere criminals..."

 MADE OF WINNING.  It Takes Planning, Caution to Avoid Being 'It' - WSJ.com: "Dennehy and nine of his friends have spent the past 23 years locked in a game of "Tag." It started in high school when they spent their morning break darting around the campus of Gonzaga Preparatory School in Spokane, Wash. Then they moved on—to college, careers, families and new cities. But because of a reunion, a contract and someone's unusual idea to stay in touch, tag keeps pulling them closer. Much closer. The game they play is fundamentally the same as the schoolyard version: One player is "It" until he tags someone else. But men in their 40s can't easily chase each other around the playground, at least not without making people nervous, so this tag has a twist. There are no geographic restrictions and the game is live for the entire month of February. The last guy tagged stays "It" for the year. That means players get tagged at work and in bed. They form alliances and fly around the country. Wives are enlisted as spies and assistants are ordered to bar players from the office..."

Posture is key.  Stop fucking slouching.  Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are | DietDoctor.com: "That who you are and how you think can affect your body language surely comes as no surprise, but the point made in this video is that the connection is clear in the opposite direction too.

For example, avoiding slouching and maintaining a strong/dominant posture for two minutes before a job interview has been shown to produce a dramatically improved impression. Even more interesting is that this has a measurable effect on hormones. Testosterone levels increase and the stress hormone cortisol decreases markedly.

If instead you make yourself small for as little as two minutes, this will produce the opposite effect: lower testosterone and higher cortisol levels.

Does This Affect Your Health and Your Weight?

One can speculate on the potential long term effects. What happens to a person that is overwhelmed by stress and walks around more or less slumped all day? Can this induce constant low levels of testosterone and high cortisol?

The result would potentially be a worsening of both health and weight. It could lead to increased abdominal fat and weaker muscles, an increased risk of diabetes and high blood pressure, as well as an increased long-term risk of heart disease, among other things.

Straightening up might produce the opposite effect. It may cause increased levels of testosterone and a decrease in stress hormones, resulting in less abdominal fat and a stronger and healthier body."

Training.

1/29 - P90X+ D72 Interval X+ & Abs/Core+

Awesome work - Bodybuilding.com - Body Transformation: Frank The Tank

Today's Internets.

Show Me Your License, Daddy-O - Reason.com: "The story of the cabaret card illustrates how small men with a little bit of power can inhibit creative expression, stifle artistic growth, and humiliate individual citizens, all in the name of the “public good.”

...In 1926, New York City passed the Cabaret Law, legislation intended not only to curb the growing influence of the Prohibition-fueled mob but also to preserve the morality of innocent people who might fall sway to the shady characters of the night scene. (As the Alderman’s Committee suggested in its report on the bill: “the ‘wild’ stranger and the foolish native should have the check-reign applied a little bit.”) The Cabaret Law required a special license for any establishment offering “any musical entertainment, singing, dancing, or other similar amusement” in connection with food or drink service. This broad definition of cabaret would apply to just about any entertainment venue other than formal theaters and concert halls. There was, unsurprisingly, an exception made for large, lucrative hotels.

...By 1941, a full regimen of fingerprints, photographs, and police interviews was required for all performers wishing to perform in a New York City nightclub.

More than just a barrier to work, the cabaret card for beboppers was an impediment to self-expression and artistic fulfillment. While originating in nightclubs, bebop represented something much more than bar music. The color line had not been broken in American symphony orchestras, so for a young black musician at a prestigious music conservatory—Miles Davis at Julliard, for example—sharing a cramped stage in a 52nd Street nightclub with someone like Charlie Parker was the highest realization of artistic ambition. But before he could do so, a musician would have to be judged not just by lauded masters and discerning aficionados but by the police. "

WIL WHEATON dot TUMBLR

Is America Training Too Many Foreign Armies? - By John Norris | Foreign Policy: "Gen. Carter Ham, the head of the U.S. Africa Command (AFRICOM), made an unusually blunt admission last week regarding the failure of U.S. military training to instill respect for human rights in a Malian army now accused of massacring Arabs and Tuaregs as it fights its way north into rebel-held territory. "We didn't spend probably the requisite time focusing on values, ethics, and a military ethos," Ham acknowledged, saying that most U.S. training for the Malians focused on tactics, strategy, and "technical matters." 

 ...In looking at the patterns of U.S. military assistance the question is not who gets American military aid, but who doesn't. In 2012 the United States delivered bilateral security assistance to 134 countries -- meaning that every country on Earth had about a 75 percent chance of receiving U.S. military aid. Once you weed out places like North Korea and Vatican City, you are pretty much assured of receiving military aid no matter how large or small your country, no matter how democratic or despotic your regime, no matter how lofty or minimal your GDP."

‘Kill Anything that Moves: The Real American War in Vietnam’ By Nick Turse - The Washington Post: "For the atrocities — many murders of civilians in South Vietnam — were known to the Pentagon brass and the likes of Defense Secretary Melvin Laird and Army Secretary Stanley Resor. Letters were written by soldiers and Marines, investigations were conducted and reports filed. Almost all were suppressed, hidden from public view. My Lai was atypical in scale (400 killed) but not in kind, and the military knew it. Turse takes us through many of these atrocities, large and small, to document the malignancy growing inside the U.S. armed forces.

Particularly striking is Operation Speedy Express, conducted in the Mekong Delta by the 9th Infantry Division under the command of Maj. Gen. Julian Ewell. Turse documents the savagery of Speedy Express, the gratuitous execution of thousands of civilians in pursuit of high body counts and career advancement. Thousands of dead Vietnamese, claimed by Ewell and his cohort to be Viet Cong guerrillas, were found with very few weapons. The Army was fully aware of what Ewell was doing, and rewarded him with a third star and a prestigious place at the Paris peace negotiations.

...in the case of war, there’s little evidence that the public wants to know more about atrocities, much less act upon them. British scholar Kendrick Oliver made this argument brilliantly in his book on My Lai, showing how reactions to revealed atrocities follow a pattern that ultimately leads to a rally-round-the-troops phenomenon. One could contend that war, by its very nature — and not just in Vietnam and Cambodia, but in Korea, Iraq and Afghanistan — similarly leads to indifference to civilian suffering or even to blaming the victims."

"

Can Medical Tourism Save Us From Obamacare? - Reason.com: "The globalization of health care means countries are specializing in certain kinds of care. Turkey excels in pediatric cardiology. Singapore is a destination for oncological care. Chinese heart patients needing top-notch angioplasty go to Japan. Israel and Barbados excel in fertility treatment. Costa Rica and Hungary have become dentistry destinations. Thailand excels in a wide range of specialties thanks in part to its renowned Bumrungrad International Hospital, which serves 400,000 foreign patients a year."

Obama's non-closing of GITMO, kind NYT headlines, and US government irony | Glenn Greenwald | Comment is free | guardian.co.uk: "The New York Times' Charlie Savage reported yesterday that the State Department "reassigned Daniel Fried, the special envoy for closing the prison at Guantánamo Bay, Cuba, and will not replace him". That move obviously confirms what has long been assumed: that the camp will remain open indefinitely and Obama's flamboyant first-day-in-office vow will go unfulfilled. Dozens of the current camp detainees have long been cleared by Pentagon reviews for release - including Adnan Farhan Abdul Latif, a 36-year-old Yemeni who died at the camp in September after almost 11 years in a cage despite never having been charged with a crime. Like so many of his fellow detainees, his efforts to secure his release were vigorously (and successfully) thwarted by the Obama administration."

Today's Internets.

 Superheroes | Galleries | Pioneers of Television | PBS

The Most Ridiculous Law of 2013 (So Far): It Is Now a Crime to Unlock Your Smartphone - Derek Khanna - The Atlantic: "That's right, starting this weekend it is illegal to unlock new phones to make them available on other carriers.

I have deep sympathy for any individual who happens to get jail time for this offense. I am sure that other offenders would not take kindly to smartphone un-lockers.

But seriously: It's embarrassing and unacceptable that we are at the mercy of prosecutorial and judicial discretion** to avoid the implementation of draconian laws that could implicate average Americans in a crime subject to up to a $500,000 fine and up to five years in prison.

If people see this and respond, well no one is really going to get those types of penalties, my response is: Why is that acceptable? While people's worst fears may be a bit unfounded, why do we accept a system where we allow such discretionary authority? If you or your child were arrested for this, would it comfort you to know that the prosecutor and judge could technically throw the book at you? Would you relax assuming that they probably wouldn't make an example out of you or your kid? When as a society did we learn to accept the federal government having such Orwellian power? And is this the same country that used jury nullification against laws that it found to be unjust as an additional check upon excessive government power?"

19 Ways to Improve Your Mood: "4) Get into shape It’s hard to be a Debbie Downer when you have big arms. The other day I was getting a massage and the masseuse called another woman over just to feel my muscular, thick thighs. Would you like to know what every single guy who says “Girls don’t like muscular guys” have in common? They are all flabby or skinny dweebs who have never had muscle. It makes more of a difference than you could ever imagine unless you saw it with your own eyes... Keep your body clean, lean and mean. You will be rewarded...

6) Don’t listen to whiney, sad music

Every little emo fruitcake who suffers depression has one thing in common: they all listen to whiney, sad, crybaby music. Listen to something positive that fires you up. Music has a HUGE effect on your mood, the more sad baloney you listen to the more sad you will feel. Turn that frown upside down and put on some happy tunes.

7) Read inspiring books

...I have two basic rules about what I read: It must be inspiring or it must enable me to learn something.

8) Rethink your morals

You live in an insane society run by insane sociopaths. All the morals that you think are yours and your decision alone are not. They are the morals that have been decided for you and taught to you by your school teachers and your television... You must decide for yourself what is moral and what is not. You must do the research yourself and you must be the sole decider about what is right and wrong. Relying on what everyone else is doing is for the foolish the weak and the stupid...

16) Eat right

No donut tastes better than the feel of your rock hard abs. Don’t eat slop like oatmeal and other wheat products. Those are great for fattening up livestock for slaughter but they aren’t great for human men. Meat is mans food. I have heard “Oh yeah? Well what about Asia! They’re super healthy and eat mostly carbs!“. They’re also 3 feet tall and as skinny as twigs. Beef, eggs, chicken, pork, fish, duck, lamb or friggin’ ostrich – take your pick..."

Inside Job (film) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia: "Inside Job is a 2010 documentary film about the late-2000s financial crisis directed by Charles H. Ferguson. The film is described by Ferguson as being about "the systemic corruption of the United States by the financial services industry and the consequences of that systemic corruption.""

Amazon.com: Generation RX: Kevin P. Miller, Charles L. Gilchrist: Amazon Instant Video: "For decades, scores of doctors, government officials, journalists, and others have extolled the benefits of psychiatric medicines for children. GENERATION RX presents "the rest of the story" and unveils how this era of unprecedented change in Western culture really occurred - and what price has been paid by our society."

Training.

1/28 - P90X+ D71 Upper+ & Abs/Core+ -- 3x10 dips, bw rows, inverted shrugs, band shrugs, COCT grip work

Food Log.

1/21 - coffee, half & half, water, Monster Amino, Monster Pump, Monster Milk, Monster Multi, hot dogs, mayo
1/22 - coffee, half & half, water, steak, eggs, black olives, mixed shredded cheese, tomatoes, Diet Coke, brownie [bite]
1/23 - coffee, half & half, water, Monster Amino, Monster Pump, Monster Milk, Monster Multi, Diet Coke, chicken, mayo
1/24 - coffee, half & half, water, bacon, hamburger, mayo, mixed shredded cheese, Monster Milk, peanut butter
1/25 - coffee, milk, water, Monster Amino, Monster Pump, Monster Milk, Monster Multi, Diet Coke, Double Avocado Swiss Bacon Whopper, Chocolate Chunk Banana Bread
1/26 - coffee, half & half, water, Monster Amino, Monster Pump, Monster Milk, Monster Multi, diet tea, rotisserie chicken, Chocolate Chunk Banana Bread, lobster & shrimp spread
1/27 - coffee, half & half, water, chicken, cheese, sour cream, ice cream, strawberry yogurt, turkey, mayo, bread

Training.

1/27 - P90X+ D70 Yoga X -- bridge 2x20/squat to stand mobility x10

Today's Internets.

Berlin activists create CCTV-smashing street game - Boing Boing: "East Germany withered under the punishing, spying gaze of the Stasi, whose surveillance was always couched in the language of "public protection" and "crime solving." Today, the CCTVs used by commercial firms are an extension of government surveillance, because their footage can be seized, often in secret, in the name of "fighting terror" and similar rubrics."

Via Oglaf.com: Rite of Passage

Excellent Article - 13 Tips for Anyone Who Wants to Improve Performance and Look Better Naked Part I – Training

World War II Spending Did Not End the Great Depression - Reason.com: "Thus the aggregate statistics fail to capture essential details of life. A million dollars spent making automobiles and a million dollars spent making tanks look the same in the GDP tables. But the difference is vast in terms of consumer welfare. "

SO. MUCH. THIS.  Best article on training I've read in forever.  Basic, but truth.  - You Have To Work Out To Get A Workout: ""I'll walk every night," they say. "I'll work in the garden, and take the stairs, and live an active lifestyle." I'm going to say something to all of those people now, and I want you to take this in the most constructive way possible, because I have the utmost respect for you and what you're trying to accomplish: You are pathetic and delusional. "I'm on my feet all day at work." "I ride my bike whenever I go to the store." "I'm in a bowling league, and a softball league, and a hipster kickball league." "I do tai chi." "I swim in the pool every summer." "I tighten my abs while I sit at my desk." "I get up and walk around the office every half hour." "I walk my dog." "I live on a fourth-floor walk-up." 

"Didja ever follow a toddler around all day? Now that's a workout!" 

No. 

That is not a workout. 

None of that is a workout. 

Again, I do want to commend you on your vague and wistful desire for "fitness," if not for your laughably wishful method of achieving it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with living an "active lifestyle." There is nothing wrong with walking, and biking, and swimming leisurely, and chasing frazzled children, and engaging in all manner of activities that feature basic human locomotion as one of their key components. Indeed—legs. Right? Why not use em? Right? Might be in a wheelchair tomorrow? Right? Why not stroll?

None of that is a motherfucking workout.

Let's just clarify here what it means to "get in shape," or to achieve some sort of "fitness." It means that your body has adapted positively to stress that you deliberately placed upon it. Your body is a maddening and marvelous machine which will change in response to what you make it do. If you make it do hard things, your body will get hardcore (basic Word Science of Fitness Biology 101). If you only do soft things, your body will be soft. If you carry huge Atlas Stones around in a purposeful manner, your muscles screaming and our lungs exploding and every nerve of your body begging for relief from the merciless gravity you are willingly inflicting upon it, your back will grow wide and your legs will grow stout and you will become an Incredible Hulke, able to fling small humans about in a manner befitting a Viking warrior. If the heaviest thing you carry is a fanny pack on your mall-walking expeditions to the Latte Shoppe, well, then, guess what, that's all that your body will grow: a fanny. A big soft fanny. Is that what you want? A big soft fanny?

You can do better.

Sure, working out can be boring. It can be mindless, and repetitive. Have you seen that Planet Fitness ad, where the big dumb goon says "I lift things up and put them down," over and over, like a big dumb goon? Ha, what a big dumb goon, right? What a mindless, repetitive, boring, lifestyle he has. He just lifts things up and puts them down. What an uncreative, inside-the box workout program he has, that big dumb goon. Just lifting, and putting down. Over and over again.

GUESS WHAT THAT'S WHY HE'S A FUCKING MONSTER.

Did you think that this fitness thing would be easy? Are you under the impression that millions of years of evolutionary biology governing the physical adaptation of the human body in response to stress can be tailored to your preferred hobbies? Have you ever wondered why there aren't a lot of Olympic athletes who train by walking around the block with Diane after supper? It's because that is not a workout. A workout is something hard that involves pain. Pain that you willingly lap, lap, lap up out of the pain bowl, and then, tearfully, as your muscles quiver and your calluses rip off and blood runs from beneath your fingernails, ask, "More, please?" (The preceding sentence may contain inspirational exaggeration.) That is what a workout is. Did you think that you would get to choose what a workout is? That you are the boss here? The boss of your body? The boss of fitness? You?

Breaking news, friend: you are not the boss. If truth be told, you are the exact opposite of the boss. You are the servant. You serve the needs of your body..."