Actually, that is a sweet combo.

Just the Nicest Wednesday One-Liners You'd Ever Hope to Find

Girl: Oh my god, she's so nice. She's a chiropractor and a stripper!

--F train stop, Park Slope

via Overheard in New York, Jan 23, 2008

"Trapped in a dead-end job? Lack of education holding you back?"

Seriously funny.

Trapped in a dead-end job? Lack of education holding you back? Have it within yourself to murder secret agents without prejudice? Perhaps a career at A.R.A.C.H.N.I.D., The World's Fifth-Largest Evil Organization, is for you.

A.R.A.C.H.N.I.D. Security Associate Training Videos: "Intro to AK-47" and "Intruder Alert! What Do I Do?"

Employee Testimonial: "Tyshawn Green"
A.R.A.C.H.N.I.D. Global Enterprises
The World's Fifth-Largest Evil Organization

Tyshawn describes the mess his life was in before he became an A.R.A.C.H.N.I.D. henchman.

"29 things to be happy about."

More at the link.

My faves below.

29 things to be happy about / Yes, it's all doom and gloom and war and global warming and Bush. Except when it's not:

"Happiness knows no particular order, and neither does this list:

7) "I Don't Want to Blow You Up!" is a new children's book by the author of "It's Just a Plant." It dares to tell children that the vast majority of scarf/turban/headband/burqa-wearing peoples in the world do not, in fact, wish to bomb them, eviscerate them, eat their brains with a rhino horn or hang them upside down and steal their Playstation 3 and rape their dog. Despite what Bill O'Reilly's children's book says.

8) Britain has officially dropped the "War on Terror" label, given how, well, it's not really a war, given how most terrorists are not exactly highly organized armies of well-trained soldiers and are, instead, mostly scattershot clusters of insane fanatical murderers and suicidal religious mutants, and should be treated that way. The war on Christmas, now that's a real war.

10) Dolphins love sex. Frequent, kinky, aggressive, even violent. Homosexual, bisexual, incestuous, you name it. Sometimes with other species. Sometimes gang-rape style. Sometimes in frothy orgies. Sometimes (sort of) with humans. Yes, dolphins.

11) This just in: The cosmos is actually filled with supermassive black holes. It is also packed with dark energy, a very strange and mysterious material that appears to be pushing out the edges of the universe at a faster and faster rate and no one knows why, or what the hell dark energy actually is or how it works and it might all merely point to the overwhelming fact that the universe is, in truth, a giant, random, unpredictable mindf- of a place that's not even really a place at all, but more of a concept, a theory, a wicked delicious shaman's peyote dream and consequently its mysteries can never be "solved" and its cosmic messages never fully decoded and therefore you get to sit back right now and take a deep breath and exhale very slowly, and smile, safe in the knowledge that we actually know very, very little about anything, and we always will.

16) Hormone-free, grass-fed beef really does taste better. Organic food really is healthier. Tell everyone you know.

25) Abstinence education is, of course, a dismal failure."

"...like a white man..." Heh.

Can't Imagine How That Made 'em the Dominant Culture

Little Hispanic boy: I want more food.
Dad, calmly: Okay. We just have to get another plate.
Little Hispanic boy: But I want more food!
Dad: Okay! We just need to go get you another plate.
Little Hispanic boy: But I want more food!
Dad, yelling: I said 'okay'! I just have to get you a new plate!
Little Hispanic boy, shocked: You yelled at me...
Dad: Well, I tried speaking to you like a white man, but you wouldn't listen.

Chinese buffet
Reading, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Hole
via Overheard Everywhere, Jan 24, 2008

Certitude.

Certitude is seized by some minds, not because there is any philosophical justification for it, but because such minds have an emotional need for certitude. - Robert Anton Wilson

"Bill Strickland: Rebuilding America, one slide show at a time."

TED | Talks | Bill Strickland: Rebuilding America, one slide show at a time (video):

"With subtle accompaniment by longtime friend Herbie Hancock, and a slide show that has opened the minds (and pocketbooks) of CEOs across the country, Bill Strickland tells a quiet and astonishing tale of redemption through arts, music and unlikely partnerships.

...While moonlighting as an airline pilot, Strickland founded Manchester Bidwell, a world-class institute in his native Pittsburgh devoted to vocational instruction in partnership with big business- and, almost incidentally, home to a Grammy winning record label and a world class jazz performance series. Yet its emphasis on the arts is no accident, as it embodies Strickland's conviction that an atmosphere of high culture and respect will enervate even the most troubled students.



With job placement rates that rival most universities, Manchester Bidwell's success has attracted the attention of everyone from George Bush, Sr. (who appointed Strickland to a six year term on the board of the NEA) to Fred Rogers (who invited Strickland to demonstrate pot throwing on Mister Rogers' Neighborhood). And though cumbersome slide trays have been replaced by PowerPoint, the inspirational power of his speeches and slide shows are the stuff of lecture circuit legend.

"Help is on the way."

Watch this.

"...human beings are fundamentally good... this man who had such cause to think otherwise had reached that conclusion. I would not presume to differ."

Goddamn. Right.

TED | Talks | Ben Dunlap: The story of a passionate life (video):

"Ben Dunlap tells the story of Sandor Teszler, a Hungarian man he met at Wofford College. In telling Teszler's dramatic life story, which arcs from the Holocaust to the American Deep South of the 1950s, Dunlap shares some deep and, ultimately, moving lessons about justice -- and the power of lifelong learning. Sit back and listen."

"Sobriety and scholarly. Those are your problems."

Aren't they though?

Wednesday One-Liners Are a Real Page-Turner

NYU bimbette to studious friend: Your problem is that you read for all your classes. Sobriety and scholarly. Those are your problems.

--Starbucks, W 4th St

Overheard by: wine girl

Book-hawking hobo: ... And this is my new book, 'If You Don't Beat Your Children, They'll End Up Like Me'!

--6 train

Overheard by: Zarek

via Overheard in New York, Jan 23, 2008

Skanktacular Wednesday One-Liners

Girl to friend: It's like that saying, you know? 'The pot calling the kettle a slut.'

--W 63rd St

Overheard by: JustVisiting

Woman to table of people: ... Although I'm pretty sure it says 'slut' in my medical file...

--Rolf's, 22nd & 3rd

Overheard by: Ladle

JAP: You can't put a price on casual sex.

--110th & Broadway

Female employee on break, to man: I'm what's called a nymphomaniac. I'll do it anywhere -- on the bus, the train, in the bathroom, in Chick-Fil-A...

--NYU dining hall

Chick on cell: So yeah -- now I have to see this guy on Monday and work with him. I never work with him, but the minute I bone him, now I get to work with him. It's like the walk of shame drawn out for days... Hey, I can't help it if this keeps happening to me... I guess I need to not get drunk and screw my coworkers.

--89th & Columbus

Overheard by: Lala

College girl to friends: I guess you could say it was a friends with benefits sort of thing, except that we only slept together.

--Columbus Circle subway exit

Overheard by: confused by the definition

via Overheard in New York, Jan 23, 2008

Says So on Her T-Shirt

Chick: Richard, I felt bad about what I said when I realized that Natia was sitting right next to me.
Richard: What did you say, Natalie?
Natalie: I said, 'I'm sick and tired of these terrorists.'
Richard: It's okay, Natalie. Natia is a Muslim, not a terrorist.

--Park Ave

via Overheard in New York, Jan 22, 2008

When Was the Last Time You Got 20 Years for Jaywalking?

Guy: Statutory rape is the jaywalking of sex crimes!

Interbay Golf
Seattle, Washington

via Overheard Everywhere, Jan 23, 2008

I've no desire for an iphone, but this is cool.

Hit me if you need me homie, I'll be on my I-PHONE. - Boing Boing

Link to video by Pete Miser.

See, now that's just poor planning.

Man fatally stabbed after visiting lover's house with wife to discuss affair - Mainichi Daily News:

"SHIMADA, Shizuoka -- A 28-year-old man died, apparently after being stabbed by his lover, when he visited the woman's home with his wife on Tuesday evening to discuss their affair, police said."

Brilliant bit of subversion - "Talking About AT&T's Internet Filtering on AT&T's The Hugh Thompson Show"

Talking About AT&T's Internet Filtering on AT&T's The Hugh Thompson Show - Boing Boing Gadgets:

"Yesterday, I was invited to talk about gadgets onThe Hugh Thompson Show, a television-style talk show sponsored exclusively by AT&T for distribution on the online AT&T Tech Channel. I eventually did talk about gadgets, but in light of AT&T's shocking and baffling announcement of their plans to filter the internet, I thought that a much more interesting and important topic.

So that's what I talked about.



As you can see from the video, the crew ended up scrubbing the interview about half-way through. Figuring that might happen, I asked my steely-nerved friend Richard Blakeley to tape the first take. I wanted to make sure that we had a record of the event, primarily to ensure that AT&T would have no reason to try to bury the interview entirely...

...I wasn't being a twerp just for the sake of being one. This is a critically important issue, one that deserves as much attention as can be drawn to it, especially in a venue where AT&T and its customers are sure to listen. And as the reaction of the crowd to my questions showed, no one wants AT&T rifling around in their communications. The only way to stop them from doing so is to speak up whenever we have the chance..."

"Because we all know that if anybody, my god, if our children see nipples, they will go CRAZY."

No Boobies on Camera! at ComicMix:

"In 1916, only seven years after its inception, The National Board of Review, otherwise known as the National Board of Censorship, once the watchdog of the industry, covering filmmakers' backs from the evil censorial ways of the powers that be, became on this day the National Ball Vice of America, saying no to pee-pees and boobies on camera."

Why Japan is better than where you live.

I don't even smoke [unless really, really drunk], yet I am completely stoked that this is from the country I live in. God bless choice! [And inane marketing too, apparently.]

Urban Dirt - Times Online - WBLG: You Can't Beat the Feeling! (of coffee and a snout):

"But perhaps the most fearsome example of denial arises from the supposed gulf between coffee and cigarettes. You know they go together, I know they go together, everyone who has ever tried the combination knows immediately that they are as perfect a pairing as Terry and June. Secretly, it now seems, even Coca-Cola knows they go together. But corporate sensibilities leave coffee and cigarettes as star cross'd lovers: obviously meant to be together, but separated by cruel fate and social pressure. It's no coincidence that the most coffee-friendly cigar bears the tragic name Romeo Y Julietta.

But Japan, bless its politically incorrect little socks, has shamelessly united these two titans of sensation. Yes, AM-PM have started selling a combo pack of Marlboro cigarettes with a can of Emblem Black Georgia coffee - the leading coffee brand of Coca-Cola Japan."

How is it I've had this conversation?

[Hi Sandy.]

11AM Did You Just Pin Mittens to My Sleeves?

Grunt #1: Don't you need a coat?
Grunt #2: No.
Grunt #1: Are we going outside?
Grunt #2: Yes.
Grunt #1: Oh. Sorry. I guess I just turned into your mother.

10920 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California

via Overheard in the Office, Jan 21, 2008

Torture Insurance.

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

In Legal Cases, C.I.A. Officers Turn to Insurer - New York Times:

"...Like a growing number of C.I.A. employees, Mr. Rodriguez, former head of the agency’s clandestine service, had bought professional liability insurance from Wright & Company. The firm, founded in 1965 by a former F.B.I. agent, is now paying his mounting legal bills.

The standard Wright policy costs a little less than $300 a year. The government pays half the premium for all supervisors and certain other high-risk employees, a group that includes hundreds of C.I.A. officers, including everyone at the agency involved in counterterrorism or counterproliferation.

...spurred in part by a spate of lawsuits, investigations and criminal prosecutions related to mistreatment of detainees from Iraq to Guantánamo Bay, an immigration crackdown and other aftershocks of 9/11. The insurance is popular with F.B.I. agents, Secret Service officers, and Immigration and Customs Enforcement workers as well as C.I.A. officers.

“The things that help us are any negative events related to the federal government, and there have been plenty,” said Bryan B. Lewis, Wright’s president and chief executive, who holds a security clearance that allows him to discuss his clients’ secret business.

...the spectacle of C.I.A. officers under investigation has been a recurring drama in Washington. In 1973, as domestic spying and foreign assassination plots by the agency came under review, a memorandum from headquarters warned officers that the agency would not represent them in case of legal trouble. It became known in-house as the “get-your-own-lawyer cable,” veteran case officers recalled.

Since the late 1980s, however, Wright and a handful of competitors have offered at least some shelter from bankrupting legal costs. The Justice Department will represent federal employees in noncriminal matters if it is judged to be in the government’s interest and the employee’s acts were within the scope of his employment. But government lawyers represent the government’s interest, and an employee facing potentially serious accusations may want a lawyer looking out just for him.

One former C.I.A. officer said he bought the insurance because when a scandal broke “you figured the government would moonwalk away from you as fast as it could.”"

Not even the government counts on the government.

"If they can't cut it or drug it, they don't know what to do."

Butt Out of Baseball by Charley Reese:

"One reason Congress is so inefficient and ineffective is that it wanders off the reservation too often, wasting time on topics and matters that the Constitution gives it no authority to mess with...

Baseball is a game, and in the case of professional baseball, it is a commercial enterprise. Last time I checked, maintaining the purity of sports was not included in the powers assigned to Congress by the Constitution. In the meantime, there are plenty of legitimate government sins, crimes and goofs that need the public spotlight.

I'm not a fan of any kind of drugs, legal or illegal, prescription or over-the-counter. Yet we should face the fact that ours is a drug-saturated society. Not only do the pharmaceutical companies bombard us with billions of dollars' worth of advertising for their various nostrums and pills, most Americans seem to approve of them. This topic always brings to mind the comment of a chiropractor who said of medical doctors, "If they can't cut it or drug it, they don't know what to do."

Apparently, millions of children are put on drugs to "cure" what used to be called "restlessness" or "boredom." What are these but performance-enhancing drugs for the classroom? At the same time, one can say with fair certainty that the prevailing philosophy in America, such as we have, is that winning is the only thing that counts. So, if winning is all that counts, and we already drug just about everything that walks on two legs, why shouldn't athletes take performance-enhancing drugs?

...At any rate, Congress has far more serious problems to attend to without wasting its time on baseball players. With the economy skittering on the brink of the dump, with other major powers becoming more alienated, not to mention health, environmental and agricultural problems, these overpaid politicians should adopt at least a 40-hour workweek and do the jobs they're paid to do."

For JM.

YouTube - Troops (Cops/Star Wars)

COPS gone Star Wars... It is an independent Star Wars fan film that was created by Kevin Rubio in 1997.

"I did as you asked. With her name. But, I don't understand. Who's Alana?"

I re-watched an ep of Star Trek: New Voyages that I had burned it to a CD... "The World Enough and Time."

Wasn't even sure why, really. Till now.

Sulu, via the vagaries of the standard scifi tropes, time travel and whatnot, lives 30 years that are eventually wiped from the timestream. Has a daughter whose life disappears. And then goes on to live out his days, have a normal family, another daughter, a grandaughter...

The last line... the last line choked me up... the last line - "You had a sister."

...

I have a sister, too.

Odds are, I will never know her.

Never know who she is. Never know anything.

It pisses me off.

It makes me sad.

It makes me angry.

Angry at a mother who I don't even speak to anymore, who would keep and have us live a life of secrets and lies.

Angry at a whole world of experiences I'll never have an inkling about.

Sad at a loss I never even knew I deserved to know about.

Angry at growing up and living a life that wasn't even real. Wasn't even true.

Was, among other things, bullshit.

I've found, despite that wanting of it to be otherwise, that "family" is a lie.

Secrets and lies, damn it all to hell.

...

I have a sister.

Where's Kevn Bacon when you need him?

reason.tv - Videos > Dance Ban:

"In the Arizona desert, Drew Carey discovers a modern-day 'Footloose' story. A few years ago, Dale and Spencer Bell built a family oriented steak house with outdoor seating, fire pits, lots of old western style, and live music. But beware if you get the urge to scoot your boots--county officials have invoked an anachronistic ordinance that bans dancing outside."